WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY? WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HEAD? My food tastes like hair.
1. Oh, god. Play it cool. She got a haircut? Does that qualify as a haircut?I don't notice a difference at all... what do I do? I'm just going to smile and nod and if she asks me specific questions about it I'll just pretend to pass out and I'll just stay really, really still. It works for animal attacks, it should work for this.
2. Is it shorter? It might be shorter. Maybe if I can pretend I have diarrhea I can sneak of to the bathroom and pull up her Facebook profile and try and get a comparison or something. That's what I'll do. It's foolproof.
3. I'm pretty sure that's the same hair color she had. Maybe it's darker, slightly. Or lighter. Is it lighter? Did she get her hair lightened? Why would she do that? There's no way she would go somewhere to get her hair a slightly different color, right? I want to say no, but I don't know what I believe anymore.
4. I wish she shaved her head. Just because then at least I would know that something is different. Why couldn't she make it easier for me?
5. I literally can't tell the difference and I bet this cost $300. I could do so much with $300. I could buy a Playstation 4. And what's great, is afterwards, people could tell the difference between me before I had a Playstation 4 and now, when I do have one. It's a way better use of money.
6. I'm just going to say "It looks great." Then I'll try and change the subject to something that makes me less anxious to talk about, like what happens after we die.
7. Oh, wow. That worked. And yet... I don't feel any better. Now I'll never know how she got her haircut. What is her secret? Maybe she spent a bunch of money on lottery tickets and then pretended to get a haircut so I wouldn't ask where the money went and figure out her gambling addiction.
8. I can't enjoy our dinner out, because I'm just staring at her hair now. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY? WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HEAD? My food tastes like hair. This is some Telltale Heart level shit.
9. I've been up all night, just watching her sleep. It's 3 a.m. and I can't stop staring. I need to know what she defines as a "haircut." But it's too late to double back now. She'll know I lied when I said, "It looks great."
10. This will drive me insane. Maybe this is one of those things we're never supposed to understand, like, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"