How to chop onion and garlic the right way

Dude, get on that.

Anyway, there are also 50 incorrect ways to chop an onion. Let me list just a few that I’ve witnessed with my own two bugged-out eyes while also eliciting an action-movie-like slow-mo “Noooooooooooooooo!” scream.

1. Using a paring knife to cut an onion. Paring knives are small. Onions can be large. Cutting a large thing with a small tool is a great way to do a lot more work than you care to. Use a chef’s knife, man.

2. Using a specialized onion-cutting tool. If you want to spend less time in the kitchen, stop buying one-trick pony gadgets. They clutter up your kitchen. You have to clean them and doing so is often tedious. Often, you forget that you even own them. Again, use a chef’s knife.

3. Running a stream of water over the onion while you cut it to reduce tearing up. This is also a wonderful way to have the onion slip out from beneath your control and hack off your middle finger. That’s your favorite finger. Save your favorite finger and still protect your eyes by trying some of these hacks instead.

4. Not having a plan. You’re an onion surgeon. Would a surgeon go into an operation thinking, “You know what? I’ll just go with my gut.” No, a surgeon wouldn’t. A surgeon would know exactly where to cut.

Now go do surgery. The onion world needs you.