You will never be able to do anything as well as this German guy carries beer

September 8, 2017 7:23 PM

Oliver Strümpfel just set a world record for carrying 29 beer steins across a crowded room.

He has the strength of Dwayne Johnson, the dexterity of Mikhail Baryishnikov, the prehensile grip of a three-toed sloth, and the iron will of a god. He makes the Most Interesting Man In The World look like a mild-mannered actuary from Paterson, New Jersey. He is, simply put, the most impressive person on the planet right now, and if there is a kernel of hope left for humanity on this planet, we should all bend the knee to him.

According to Reuters, Strümpfel accomplished this feat at a festival in Bavaria, the German region that is also home to Oktoberfest. The previous world record for beers held simultaneously was 25 mugs, which was established in 2014 by none other than Strümpfel himself. (Say what you will of the man, but were he applying for colleges, he would not be accused of lacking a specialized interest.)

To train for the festival, Strümpfel worked out at the gymthree or four times a week, which he said amounted to about “200 hours [of training] for about 40 seconds of walking.” Some people might say this is an extreme amount of exercise for a relatively meager payoff, but these people are idiots.

Strümpfel’s achievement has inspired people the world over to celebrate; it has also prompted relatively dry media outlets to make ridiculous puns like “can you beer-lieve it?” And if you’re tempted to mock his accomplishments, consider the time you tried to carry 3 beers across the room at a frat party in college and ended up wiping out in front of the girl you wanted to hook up with. This man carried 29 beers, and he is a better human being than you will ever be.

For those who wish to commemorate Strümpfel's achievements while simultaneously sticking to their diets, check out our recommendations for the 10 best low-calorie beers. Or alternatively, you could knock back a few cold ones and dream of being somewhere in the foothills of southeastern Germany, carrying 29 dunkel biers on the path to eternal glory.