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RADP / Pulse Ghana  >  Lifestyle  >  Relationships Weddings

'How I told my partner that I'm hiv-positive'

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When I reconnected with Jordan, an old childhood friend, I was excited. He was a nice guy with a good heart, and over our phone conversations, he always kept me laughing.

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When I reconnected with Jordan, an old childhood friend, I was excited. He was a nice guy with a good heart, and over our phone conversations, he always kept me laughing.

There was something there, but before I could let the butterflies take over, I knew I would have to tell him that I was HIV-positive.

I worried what he’d think of me, and I also worried that because of my status, he wouldn’t think it was worth it to pursue a relationship with me. Though I feared the conversation would be the end of whatever we had together, I knew I had to tell him my HIV story before it went any further. It was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t easy.

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I was only 22 when I felt my lymph nodes start swelling. It was painful, and one of them was so big, I could see it protruding from my neck. I went to a primary care doctor, who gave me antibiotics that helped the swelling some. Three weeks later, I saw a specialist who discovered I had human immunodeficiency virus, or HIV. If left untreated, the virus would continue reducing my number of T cells, which fight infection. The doctor prescribed a pill that I would take daily to suppress the virus, but it was incurable. I would have HIV for the rest of my life.

When he told me, I was numb. I thought being HIV-positive meant that my life was over. I knew next to nothing about HIV (I thought my diagnosis meant I had AIDS—it didn’t.

AIDS is the most severe phase of HIV.) But I did know that HIV can be contracted during sex. I immediately thought about my boyfriend at the time, who I had been dating for a year.

The doctors didn’t know how long I’d been HIV-positive, so I worried that I might have passed it to him without even knowing. Unfortunately, I later found out that he had given it to me... knowingly.

To say that I was heart-broken doesn’t even come close to describing how I felt when I found out that he had lied to me for our entire relationship. He put my health in jeopardy without so much as telling me. I don’t wish that feeling on anyone.

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I ended that relationship, and I moved back home to finish my college education. I continued taking my medication kept my viral load to a level so small, it was considered “undetectable.”

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I did my best to live a normal life, but it’s hard to enjoy your early twenties when as soon as a man buys you a drink or starts talking to you, you start thinking about how it probably won’t go anywhere.

Over the the next few years, though, I did have a few relationships. I always disclosed my HIV-positive status before I was sexually active with anyone.

I could never put someone through what had happened to me. For some, the realization that I was HIV-positive was too much, and they didn’t want to continue dating me because it seemed too complicated or too risky.

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Those moments hurt, but I understood. For others, though, they asked questions about how we could continue our relationship without spreading HIV to them (my answer was simple: protected sex.) A few men realized I was worth sticking around for, and we always made sure to be extremely careful.

I was enjoying being single and focusing on myself when I got a Facebook message from Jordan, a friend I’d lost touch with. We knew each other before I tested positive for HIV.

After our messaging turned to high-school-crush-style late-night phone calls, I knew there was potential for a relationship with Jordan. Even though he lived in another state, I felt so close to him, and I wanted him to know my HIV story before things went any further.

So, one night over the phone, I told him. “Jordan, I have something to tell you,” I remember saying. “I have HIV.”

He was silent for a moment, which felt like forever. Then, the first thing he asked was how I was taking care of myself. He wanted to know how I felt, physically and emotionally. He didn’t judge me or shun me or assume things about me: He showed his genuine concern for me. It was the best reaction I had ever gotten from a man after sharing my HIV status, and it showed me so much about the person he was.

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Of course, after I told him how I contracted HIV and how I was managing it well with medication, he did have some questions. He asked how it would work if we started dating, since he was HIV negative. I told him that it would actually be really easy to have a relationship without passing the virus.

It turned out that the distance made things much more complicated than my HIV did, and we decided to not pursue a long-distance relationship at that time. But I hoped it wouldn’t be the end of our story.

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After Jordan’s reassuring reaction, though, I decided to start advocating for HIV awareness. I realized how lucky I’ve been to live such a normal, fulfilling life with HIV, and I wanted to do everything I could to make sure others had the same opportunities.

I started by walking in my first AIDS walk, and after that I started working with the AIDS Foundation of Chicago and sharing my story publicly in news segments and in newspapers. I even started planning a gala for HIV awareness, and just a few weeks before it, Jordan messaged me again.

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I took a leap of faith and asked him to be my date to the gala. I wanted him to see what it was like to advocate for HIV and AIDS awareness. He jumped at the chance and booked a roundtrip ticket to Illinois.

But he never used the plane ticket back home—we’ve been together ever since.

As we started getting more serious, I decided to talk to my infectious disease doctor to see if there were other ways to prevent Jordan from getting HIV, besides protected sex. He told us about PrEP, a once a day pill that, when used correctly, is almost 99 percent effective in fighting new HIV infections. He got a prescription, which was covered by insurance, and he takes it every day.

Since then, we’ve gone to countless HIV and AIDS awareness events together. We’ve gotten married and had a baby, who is free of HIV, together. We’re incredibly happy—I didn’t think that would possible for me after I first heard the words “you’re HIV-positive.”

Before I could be with Jordan, I had to be okay with myself. I had to realize that I am so much more than my diagnosis, and people who have HIV deserve just as much happiness as people who don’t. This virus does not make you unloveable, and once I realized that, I was ready to find love.

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