An Ode to the Dick from a Conscientious Coticulturist

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a woman. I’m in my late twenties and, since I can remember, I have always been in love with penises. The last man I slept with called me a connoisseur and then said that didn’t quite cover it. So he corrected himself and referred to me as a coticulturist because much in the same way that horticulturists study plants, obsess over them, tend to them, ensure their wellbeing and make them grow, I tend to coti. I feed them. I water them. I cultivate them. I take care of them. I provide the most specific nurturing for their unique and particular make-up and I whisper loving words of encouragement until they meet their full potential. I nourish them till they bloom.

This is not because I am some disproportionately-traditional woman who is obsessed with pleasing her man and cares little for her own pleasure. It isn’t because I assess my overall worth by how many people say I am good in bed. It is for a much more selfish reason: I adore dicks. I like the way they look. I like the way they smell. I like the way they taste. I like the way they feel. I like interacting with them, and learning them and stroking them. Tracing every inch of them with my fingertips till I feel like I have learned every ridge, every furrow, every crevice and I could identify them in a line-up with my eyes closed. I love weighing the length and heft of them in my hand and learning what their circumference feels like between my lips.  I like putting them in my mouth, and laving them with my tongue and caressing them with my palate and massaging them with my cheeks and gliding them across my skin. I love sliding them between my breasts, tracing them around my aerolas, kissing them to my nipples, trailing them down my belly, teasing them between my thighs and travelling them between the cheeks of my ass. I love inhaling that simple, pleasantly musky aroma they give off which is always untouched by cologne and aftershave. I love burying my face in them and rubbing my nose along their length and kissing them softly from the tip to the root.

I think the human penis is perhaps the most sophisticated piece of natural engineering ever invented. I mean, think about it. It starts from a base that grows out of one of the sexiest parts of the human body. It hangs down from its own delicious weight.  The base turns into a shaft that stretches out, heavy, thick, turgid, long—even in the shortest of cases.  The shaft has God’s unique handwriting all over it: lines and swirls and rings and creases that are as particular as a fingerprint. And then somehow this shaft balloons into a crown of fullness which is shaped like a perfect mushroom with the smoothest tip in the universe. And that is only when it is at its most unengaged.

When a dick decides to get interesting, phenomenal things happen. The in-built lever that someone so thoughtfully put in the base is activated and then the delicious weight rises up and stands perpendicular to its owner and parallel to the ground, tumescent, aggressive, decisive, like a national monument rising up from the delectable trail of hair that leads you down to it. A dick ascends like some mythical phoenix from heavenly ashes, out of this cradle of hip and bone and sinew and flesh till it is looking you right in the eye, daring you to do something, calling your name and beckoning to you to come say hello. Every crease is smoothed out, every ring is a line, every vein is a signature.  It bounces gently there, bracketed by strong thighs and hipbones and that narrow groove between pelvis and butt that some overly-technical person named the Iliac’s crest but I call the place where dreams come true. It nods its head like it is agreeing with things you haven’t even said yet and winks at you, soft and silky and warm on the outside but as firm as a blade on the inside.

People say dicks are hard like steel but I think that is a lazy description. Dicks are like a bone with a flame in it. They have the ponderous sexy weight of a breast yet the firmness of a human shin. And like a throat that is swallowing something, they are always pulsing, always moving in these tiny, microscopic ways. They are always talking to you, speaking multiple languages. They are always whispering words and muttering phrases and letting things slip out that they didn’t intend to say. They are the most communicative body parts in the universe. And the most honest. They never lie. They always let you know exactly how they feel. If they can do something, they will. If they like you, you know it. If they don’t, it’s clear. They give instant feedback. They are flexible and malleable and so bloody open-minded. You can ask dicks to try just about anything and they will at least hear you out. They never judge. When you show them love they appreciate it and they give you standing ovations and firework displays that stay imprinted on your mind forever. When you blow their minds, they leave you with absolutely no doubt that you did. They just completely lose composure and forget themselves and give over their souls. Even the rounded globes they sit on get tight with anticipation and try to crawl back up into bodies. They sing and wave and wail and jerk and flutter and shake and give you deliciously sticky presents that warm everything they touch. They are divine. And beautiful. And worthy of worship. And i have never interacted with one that didn’t instantly make me drench myself and leave me a better, more fulfilled and more learned woman.

Am I the only conscientious coticulturist out there? Does anyone else think penises kinda rock? Or does anyone think penises are totally ridiculous and would rather they didn’t exist at all?  Ladies (and trans, queer, gay, bi, pansexual and questioning men) how do you really feel about cocks? What is your favourite thing about a penis? What is your favourite part of a dick? What has been your best interaction with one? And for you guys, all the penis-possessing homosapiens among us: what is your favourite thing about your dick? What has been the most touching or memorable thing you have ever heard about it? What is the most amazing thing anyone has ever said about it? What is the best thing anyone has ever done with it? Don’t be shy, now. Let me know.