'Amber Tamblyn says no one believes victims—and she's right'

Titled "Amber Tamblyn: I'm Done With Not Being Believed," the actress opens by describing the day as young actress when she told a producer about a coworker who was harassing her. "My hands were freezing and I balled my wardrobe skirt up around my fists as I spoke," she writes. "It was all caught in my throat—my embarrassment that it had gotten to this point. The producer listened. Then he said, 'Well, there are two sides to every story.'"

Amber argues that for victims, those "two sides" are non-existent. "Women do not get to have a side. They get to have an interrogation," she writes. "Too often, they are questioned mercilessly about whether their side is legitimate. Especially if that side happens to accuse a man of stature, then that woman has to consider the scrutiny and repercussions she’ll be subjected to by sharing her side."

The memory resurfaced for her after a week spent feuding with actor James Woods on Twitter. She accused him of inappropriately hitting on her when she was 16. He called her a liar. "Mr. Woods’s accusation that I was lying sent me back to that day in that producer’s office, and back to all the days I’ve spent in the offices of men; of feeling unsure, uneasy, questioned and disbelieved, no matter the conversation," she wrote.

Her message came as a gut-punch to me, since I had been working for two months on a piece for Women's Health on a related topic: why sexual assault victims don't come forward. And oftentimes the biggest factor is the fear of not being believed.

There's ample evidence to justify this fear. Brock Turner's sexual assault victim spoke out about how his defense team openly questioned her integrity. "I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life, past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details to try and find an excuse for this guy who had me half naked before even bothering to ask for my name," she wrote in a letter obtained by Buzzfeed.

For our story, one survivor told us about how even her best friend dismissed her experience. “She looked at me straight in the face and said, ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.’ And that was it," she told Women's Health.

Pitching, researching, and editing this piece, as well as reading about Amber's own experiences, made me confront some things about myself of which I am not proud. Because even those of us with the best of intentions, like myself, can fall into the trap of doubting victim's experiences.

When I was in high school, I remember friends telling me about a fellow classmate, who alleged that her boyfriend had sexually assaulted her. I was not friends with this classmate; I was not even friendly with her, nor did I know her that well. I did not know the full details of the allegations. And I am ashamed to admit that I doubted her story. I was convinced that she made the whole thing up.

When we don't believe victims, we deny them a chance at healing and at justice. Our experts told us that when victim's stories are dismissed or overlooked, it diminishes their experience. Imagine having your own reality second-guessed, especially when it comes to a traumatic event. How would that affect you?

People like Betsy DeVos argue that there are "two sides." But that would overlook the fact that there are incredible barriers that prevent victims from coming forward about sexual assault and harassment, ranging from fears of being slut-shamed and doubted, to fears of losing one's job over the allegations. You risk a lot of backlash from society when you speak out about these experiences. "Every day, women across the country consider the risks," Amber wrote. "Consider that skirt. Consider that dark alley. Consider questioning your boss...Consider whether you did, perhaps, really ask for it..." The tables are rigged—and yet we wonder why so many women stay silent if they are attacked.

I am ashamed that I ever doubted the story of a victim. Because those stories are generally true. (A recent report from the National Sexual Violence Research Center shows that false rape accusations are incredibly rare). I hope that other people believed her; that the people she loved had more faith in her than I did. I was wrong, and I am so, so sorry.

Amber's story, and the piece I worked on for months, reminded me that I need to do better. We all need to do better. If someone comes to you about their assault, or if you hear about it through a friend or on the news, don't ask for proof. That's not your job. Your job is to listen, and to believe. That simple act of believing could make a whole world of difference to someone who needs it.