Juicero CEO still defending worthless juicer

Yesterday, we told you why you shouldn’t purchase a Juicero juicer, which would’ve set you back $400 and accomplished what your hands couldve done for free.

In case you need a refresher, Juicero’s juicer, which received $120 million in funding from Google’s venture capital arm and other backers, squeezes juice out of a bag that is already, well, basically juice.

In fact, a test performed by Bloomberg (if that’s what you want to call lightly pressing a bag) found that squeezing the company’s juice packets yourself could yield your drink quicker than using the machine.

You may be wondering, “Oh great, just how the hell am I supposed to get juice now?” Well, fortunately we have you covered on that front.

And while that would seem to be the end of the Juicero saga, such as it was, on Thursday their new CEO responded with a request that you may find entertaining, provided you didn’t plop down 400 bucks on one of his products.

That CEO, Jeff Dunn, wrote a Medium post imploring people who purchase the bags of Juicero’s juice to not squeeze them themselves. Dunn lays out three reasons to use the expensive juicer with points that, frankly, appear to be littered with needlessly confusing words that may be familiar to anyone who’s ever had to beef up a less-than-stellar résumé.

For example, one of the benefits he says the press provides is “consistent pressing of our Produce Packs calibrated by flavor to deliver the best combination of taste and nutrition every time.”

He also says that the juicer features, “The first closed loop food safety system that allows us to remotely disable Produce Packs if there is, for example, a spinach recall. In these scenarios, we’re able to protect our consumers in real-time.” And that it has “connected data so we can manage a very tight supply chain, because our product is live, raw produce, and has a limited lifespan of about 8 days.”

Again, all these points sound like things you can manage yourself while still keeping dough in your pocket. He also cited a pair of examples of people who must need this thing in their lives, including a busy parent who’s scrambling to get juice to his kids before they run off to school, or the busy professional who needs a reminder from an app to use her Produce Packs before they expire so (and this is a real quote) “she doesn’t waste the hard-earned money she spent on them.”

The post also features what appears to be a recorded rebuttal of Bloomberg’s own video, which attempts to show how messy you can get if you don’t use a Juicero. Though, as Gizmodo notes, Juicero uses a much different way of extracting the product than the much tidier Bloomberg clip shows.

In fairness, at the end of the post Dunn offers a full refund for anyone who bought one. “[F]or the next 30 days, we’ve decided to extend our Happiness Guarantee to any Juicero customer — new or old — who feels that we aren’t making it easier, more enjoyable, and delicious to form a healthy habit. That means that if you send us your Press, we’ll refund the money you paid for it. Period.”

Ball’s in your court.