I Teach People How to Sext, and These Are the Best Tips I Know

I started teaching after doing a lot of learning myself. This is something I needed practice with. I went to a bunch of workshops about dirty talk and bedroom communication, something that I objectively sucked at doing for a long time.

Id now classify myself as a porn star-level sexter.

When I was in my last relationship (like the one before I met my husband), I found that I was regularly running out of things to say in the sack. You can only tell your boyfriend how sexy and hard he is so many times before it becomes boring, you know? You can only tell your girlfriend how wet her pussy is for you before youre like, KK. Dope. Now what?

One night in November of 2016, with an open mind and reason- able level of anxiety, I made the journey uptown to Thirty-fourth Street in Manhattan for a dirty-talking class.

The class was held in a Midtown audition studio, the stomping ground for aspiring Broadway actors. The sound of a grand piano and off-key singing echoed throughout the space. Incidentally, I dont like theater people because they are all kinds of terrible (sorry if youre a theater person; Im sure youre great).

Despite the high energy that comes with theater hopefuls, there was something oddly appropriate about the location. Talking dirty definitely requires some acting, exuberance, and a positive attitude. Most of us dont wander around using dirty talk in everyday conversation, so talking dirty without it seeming ridiculous requires checking your inhibitions and adopting a different persona. Luckily, our studio was tucked away in the back so as not to draw too much attention to the fact we were there learning how to describe our cunts with ferocious adjectives and adverbs.

Sexting is a little like porn; its a fantasy.

My class, hosted by StripXpertease , consisted of four ladies seated around a big plastic table in a glorified ballet studio, ready to get nasty for fifty-two dollars a pop.

What I loved most was how kind and nonjudgmental everyone was. It felt good to be surrounded by supportive women. After completing and reading our workbook exercises aloud, we went around the room and read a porn scene together. I didnt laugh once. I didnt even feel (that) awkward. We all wanted to expand our dirty-talk vocabularies and upgrade our bedroom skills.

I learned a lot in my two-hour workshop that night, including new internal question marks around certain sexy terms, such as meat curtains and sperminator. Were these actual words people used? I shuddered, imagining a partner saying, Im going to pierce your meat curtains with my sperminator.

I walked out of class feeling strong and empowered. My partner at the time probably could have done without the amount of times I said hard cock and pussy on the F train that night, but he was happy to see me so full of life and excited about something. You see, sexting and dirty talk arent something you just magically know how to do. So if you think youre somehow broken because you dont know how to accurately describe or feel comfortable with telling someone to come on your face, thats okay.

Sexting is a little like porn; its a fantasy. I love texting my sex partners extremely graphic fantasies about how I want them to fill me up in every hole and come all over my body. Meanwhile, I mostly have fairly regular sex and only do butt stuff on occasion. Technology has made all of this wonderment and fantasy possible. I mean, sexting is a relatively new thing. People have been sending dirty love letters since the invention of the written word, but sexting was born out of technology. Once we had instant messaging, we had sexting. Relatively speaking to, you know, the history of the world, its brand spankin new. Meaning, no one knows what the fuck theyre doing.

Cell phones and IM-ing sent our sex lives into the ether, making it possible to drag out foreplay over an entire day at the office. At the same time, you dont want to freak anyone out over sext, you know? There is always worry over whether or not youve crossed a line. You know what I mean. That eerily painful . . . response bubble could run you emotionally ragged.

Should I not have told her I wanted to suck her clit until she was begging for more? Should I have skipped the part where I suggested he toss my salad like a whirlwind?

More than that, its confusing when the person youre texting sends you something fucking gnarly and youre not down. Which begs the question: If youre sexually empowered, shouldnt everything go? No. Nope. Thats canceled.

Then, of course, comes the even harder part: transferring all of that nasty text into talk. Hence why I took a class on this. Ive gotten better, by the way. Ill share some secrets my instructor definitely did not teach me but should have.

How to Be a Dope Sexter

Have you found yourself or are you currently finding yourself agonizing over a sext? Weve all been there, boo. If youre wondering how to take a sext to the next level, just add more descriptive words. If you think something might be too explicit, take a few words out. Keep it simple. Or not, you know? Sometimes you just fucking go for it and hope for the best. In general, the more detail with which you describe a sexual thing you want your partner to do to you, or vice versa, the better. Its like creative writing. You want the other person to be transported into your sexy fantasy for a hot minute.

The only thing that helps with the anxiety of sexy texting is doing it over and over again. Even then, its still nerve-racking the first time you engage with a new partner.

I managed to hone my sexting skills because of this tax lawyer I was semi-dating, semi-fucking in my early twenties. He had the most boring job in the entire world and therefore had the most in- credible imagination. He pushed me out of my comfort zone every single time he messaged me. We would send each other dirty, filthy sexts all day, every day whenever he was due to come to New York on business. I was constantly forced to reinvent what I thought was sexy and come up with new and interesting ways to turn him on. By the sheer volume of sexts, I became an expert. Thats all it takes, regular practice. The more you sext, the better you get.

Try weird shit. I know its scary and awkward, but you just have to do it. Think about your greatest fantasies and write them down in your phone notes. Send them in pieces to whomever youre sex- ting. Be creative with your sexts.

Listen to your partner and take notes. Sexting is trial and error. You have to test things out and see what works. Its highly likely some of the shit you say wont land the way you want it to. Just remember, this happens to everyone. Ive had plenty of sexts that ended in silence. Ive said some seriously fucked-up shit. I once told a guy I wanted to anally fist him. That didnt work out for me. I took a risk. I didnt even want to actually anally fist him. I had seen a porn vid with anal fisting and wanted to say it in a sext. Fuck it.

Now, I did learn from that experience. Mental note: If Im going to talk about anally fisting someone, perhaps I should figure out if theyre interested in anal stuff to begin with. Are they into having things up their asses?

Each person youre sexting has different preferences for what turns them on. If you talk about a gang bang fantasy and your partner doesnt seem to be into it or changes the subject, just take note of that and dont talk about gang bangs next time.

Other times I straight up just send pictures of my tits for effect. The little things, you know?

Ask yourself, Would I want this sext? Before you send a sext, any sext, ask yourself if youd want to see this message sent from another person. This will help you gauge whether or not this is a good message to send. Case in point, I wouldnt want someone to sext me about anally fisting me. I should have run that one through my internal barometer before typing it out willy-nilly and shooting it into the world.

When youre sexting, there is a lot of ego involved. It feels like shit to have someone tell you that what you sent is inappropriate or uncomfortable, either directly or with silence. Its easy to simply wrap yourself up inside your own head and vow to never sext that person again. This is silly and wont serve you. Be willing to take the feedback and move on with your life.

When should you send a sext?

It really depends on your relationship with the person youre sexting. If youre with someone you trust, you can likely just got for it. Actually, you can pretty much always go for it with whomever it is youre seeing. If you send a sexy text and they affirm the text with a sexy response, youre in the clear.

Timing isnt everything with sexts of the text-only variety. When I say text-only, I mean no photos or videos. Obviously, a picture ... is a wonderful thing to receive, just maybe not when your partner is sitting at his or her desk with coworkers aplenty sitting around him.

My favorite time is when youre waiting for your partner to get home from a long day at the office. A thing I once sent an ex- boyfriend: When you get home, Im going to kiss you so much. I am going to stick my tongue down your throat until you choke, but in a cute way . Just yesterday I sent my husband a text that said, As soon as I see you, Im going to suck your cock. I miss your cock! Other times I straight up just send pictures of my tits for effect. The little things, you know?

A woman is using a mobile phone BusinessInsider USA Images

If you know your partner is having a rough day, a hot text message can help lift their mood. Remind your partner youre at home waiting to get down and dirty. It can boost your confidence to be reminded that youre a hot piece of ass. Pretty much anytime youre feeling a little frisky, you can send a sext. Just remember to look out for the other persons response and tailor your messages accordingly. If they arent into it, stop sending sexts to them.

Dont sext them at work over GChat before asking what they are currently doing in that moment. If youre going to send a sext, keep it relegated to a persons phone. If a person has their screen open and you send a dirty message, you risk getting them in trouble or, at the very least, embarrassing them in front of coworkers. I once had a friend who was screen sharing during a presentation have a raunchy-ass GChat pop up from her boyfriend. Her coworkers teased her about it for weeks. Shes awesome and was able to brush it off and not give a fuck, but this isnt the case for everyone. If its going to ping on a screen other than their mobile, dont sext while theyre at work.

In sum, pretty much anytime is a good time for sexting as long as you know only their eyes will see said text message. My exes have opened their Snapchats during meetings and seen pictures of my tits. I wish I could say this has only happened once. It hasnt. Has this happened with my husband? I just asked him and he said, Ummmm . . . yes. I actually had to change the preview option on my phone so it doesnt show your messages because theyre so raunchy and I get so many of them. What can I say? Hes fine with it.

This piece has been adapted from Gigi Engle's new book, All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life , out Jan. 21, 2020.