We Need to Talk About That Haunting Blowjob Machine Viral Video

Twitter user @AngryManTV posted the cursed thread of video clips showcasing a Dalek-like device supposedly created to "help clinics collect semen from donors reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting." The Twitter thread also includes a link to the online shopping marketplace Alibaba , where the "SW-3701 Trolley Type Sperm Collector" manufactured by Sanwe can be purchased for $4,999 to $5,999.00.

A Chinese company says its automatic sperm extractor is helping clinics collect semen from donors reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. pic.twitter.com/zBqf4wWVQi - AngryMan (@AngryManTV) April 5, 2019

Sanwe is a medical equipment company based in Xuzhou, Jiangsu, China that also manufactures machines including colposcopes, ultrasound scanners and mammary gland apparatuses.

This isn't the first time the semen extractor has made the rounds online, with scattered dispatches going as far back as 2012 when Gizmodo's io9 called it the " worst sexbot ever ."

But like a phoenix rises from the ashes, the viral blowjob machine video has risen from the detritus of the internet to once again keep you awake at night, terrified of what the sensation must be to have a "Trolley Type Sperm Collector" slowly stroking your genitals to completion.

The sperm collector "can simulate vaginal environment, and through massage, twitching, sucking, vibration, etc., act upon the human penis, which can make semen collection be fast and safe," according to the Alibaba listing.

Wow!!! pic.twitter.com/X5fOxOeA83 - AngryMan (@AngryManTV) April 5, 2019

Users are also able to adjust massage frequency, motion frequency and motion journey.

Beyond collecting semen, the machine can also provide "premature ejaculation desensitization training."

"The strong currents impact and rub the glans penis repeatedly in order to reduce the excitability of nerve endings so as to passivate the nerve of glans penis, sulcus coronarius, and the surface of the penis, and regulate the sex nerve center in order to minimize nerve sensitivity, improve ejaculatory threshold to treat premature ejaculation."

How romantic!

Lined up, ready for donors. pic.twitter.com/CqQmNI1vWX - AngryMan (@AngryManTV) April 5, 2019

Upon purchase, your machine is under warranty for 18 months in case it malfunctions.

If you're not willing to spend several thousand dollars on a somewhat dubious piece of Chinese medical equipment that requires you to place your penis in a rubbery vice that uses vacuum suction to clinically induce ejaculation, there are plenty of other tried-and-tested, affordable devices like the Fleshlight Quickshot Launch .

And before you considering donating your sperm, check out our guide where insiders at some of the countrys top sperm banks reveal what it takes to become a donor.

In the literary classic 1984, George Orwell wrote, "If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. Our knowledge of this blowjob machine is one secret we wish were able to hide from ourselves for longer.