Stay with us for a second. For many guys, masturbation is about focusing on one organ and getting the job done as quickly as possible. But to mindfully masturbate involves utilizing your whole body, and all your senses, says sex therapist Chris Donaghue, Ph.D., author of Sex Outside the Lines. That means youre not racing for the finish line, and your orgasm isnt the primary goal.
It can make sex better by broadening your horizons. When masturbation becomes so formulaic that were depending on certain habits and techniques every time, it neurologically wires our body and arousal in a limited and rigid way, Donaghue says.
Try other approaches: See if your body might like something different just as much as (or more than) your standard session. Do you always sit? Try standing. Are you always quiet? Make some noise. Try it all, says Donaghue. Pay attention to everything, says Jessica OReilly, Ph.D., a sexuality and relationship counselor. How does your skin feel? What temperatures, textures, and sensations do you experience? she says. Youll become more focused on your senses rather than just on your ejaculation. Youll start to slow down and experience sex in ways you might have been too impatient to notice before. And if you only masturbate with porn, take a porn break.
Each of us has an inventory of sexual experiences, both fictional and real, that we can draw on while masturbating to get us to that next level. A poll earlier this year from dating website IllicitEncounters.com found that these fantasies can run the gamut from coworkers (27 percent) to friends (25 percent) to complete strangers (29 percent). But the most popular material, picked by 55 percent of respondents, is sex with an ex.
Yup. This is perfectly normal, says MH advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Reliving or replaying past experiences doesnt mean you have unresolved feelings for a former partner. People are capable of having fantasies that they dont want to make a reality, Lehmiller says.
You shouldnt. First of all, those sex throwbacks in your memory bank arent very accurate. And second, theyre less about your memories of your ex and probably more about your memories of yourself.
The hottest memories in your vault may be of you being a sex god in a past relationship-even if its not true. A 2014 Duke University study found that men were more unreliable narrators than women when it came to certain aspects of their sex backstories. And when men were in a great mood, they recalled having better erections and better orgasms than they actually did, says Kevin P. Weinfurt, Ph.D., the Duke professor of psychiatry who led the study. That distorted memory of yourself may help you feel more confident and valid the next time you have real sex.
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