Many assume good sex is all about chemistry. This isn't necessarily the case. It's about more than having a spark or lust.
How many times have you met a new woman/potential love interest and fantasized about how incredible the sex is going to be with her? And how often did that first time meet your expectations?
"It's more realistic to expect the first time to be awkward than it is to expect it to be magical," says Emily deAyala sex therapist and marriage and family therapist. "When you go in with realistic expectations, you're less likely to feel let down."
That's not the only way you can make sex with a new woman less awkward and hotter than ever. Check out these do's and dont's.
Don’t stay silent
If you're nervous about broaching the topic of sexual health and safety, don't stay tight-lipped.
Do have an honest conversation
"I always recommend having an honest conversation before becoming sexual with a new partner," deAyala urges. You should know:
1. What kind of contraception will be used.
2. If you've both recently been tested for STIs.
3. What would you do in the event of a pregnancy.
No, these aren't sexy topics of conversation, but they're so, so necessary and if you bring it up before you're between the sheets, you can prevent a huge amount of awkwardness.
"Plenty of my clients actually listen to this advice, and the ones who do seem to report more satisfying sex than those who have no discussion at all," deAyala adds. "Being open and honest fosters trust, which is also an essential ingredient for great sex. And for any women reading this if you initiate this conversation, you'll likely garner more respect from the guys."
If you've been dating each other for a while and want to take it to the next level, have this conversation before you get to the bedroom.
Don’t use old tricks
"Many assume good sex is all about chemistry," says deAyala. This isn't necessarily the case. It's about more than having a spark or lust. For first-time sex with someone new, you need to work out all the kinks. Don't try to read her mind; and don't expect her to be able to read yours.
What thrilled your old partner can be a major turn off for her, so you're going to need to rely on some touch-and-go and find the positions, rhythm, and speed that works best for the two of you.
Do ask her questions and follow body cues
"When it comes to great sex, open communication and responsiveness to feedback is key," says deAyala. "While I wouldn't recommend talking throughout the entire experience, gently asking for feedback can definitely help things like 'tell me if this feels good to you' or 'I want to know what you like".
This can even work as an ice breaker during foreplay. Tease and question her, lightly. Ask her what her favourite and least favorite sex positions are. Not only does this take the guess work out of it, you can help her feel more at ease. Just don't make this feel like a multiple choice test.
She still wants it to feel spur of the moment, natural, and have some mystery. Trust us; we've polled dozens of women on the things you say that turn her off in bed, why fake orgasms and the sex positions they’d rather you skip.
Don’t crack under pressure
With all this in mind, you might start to feel overwhelmed. There's a lot of pressure on a guy to perform well the first time. "Sometimes, though, being overly preoccupied with your partner's experience can reduce your own pleasure or interrupt the mind-body connection, leading to rapid ejaculation or loss of an erection," says deAyala. Relax.
Calm your mind. This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, remember?
Do get carried away
Allow yourself to get lost in the moment. Sure you want to pay attention to her body language and listen to anything she's saying or not saying. But you also want to tap into your own experience. Enjoy the sensations.
Don’t freak if things get awkward
"If you can't get it up or you're a little early to the party, which often happens the first time you're with a new partner, don't act super embarrassed or be overly apologetic," says deAyala. Even if you're mortified and either scenario rarely happens to you, fight the urge to say so.
Odds are this has happened to her dozens of time before. Your penis issues are just like most other guys' sexual setbacks: There are going to be times you drink too much and can't get it up or can't get off, as well as other times you get so excited you just can't help yourself.
That's okay. She's more likely to think you're insecure if you flounder and blurt out a million apologies and explanations.
Do play it cool and laugh it off
"Try to relax and play it cool. If you say something like 'I'm just so turned on. I've been excited about this and can't wait to do it again,' she's more than likely going to feel special and cared for," says deAyala.
Likewise, if you bonk heads, let out a less-than-sexy sound, or your legs get twisted, it's okay to smile or even laugh. You're going through this together: Lock eyes, kiss her, and keep going.