And I'm all for you making the first move . It shows that you're confident and cool with taking the initiative to go after what you want-two very sexy things in a potential partner. Now here's how to do it, to get a near-guaranteed, overwhelming yes:
\"Think of something that you\'d already be doing, with or without this person\'s company...\"
Think of something that you'd already be doing, with or without this person's company-then use that as the hook for the date.
Keep the activity to something under 90 minutes and with zero learning curve (so skip the day-hike or fly-fishing ask), since the more variables you add, the greater the risk they won't be able to make it. And the bigger the commitment you ask of them, the grander the statement about your level of interest.
My favorite example: "Hey, there's a new sushi place opening up. I'm thinking of trying it on Thursday. Want to join?"
This way, the emphasis isn't on "I would like to spend more time with you"-it's on "I'm doing fun, cool things and giving you an opportunity to be a part of them." You instantly remove pressure when you frame the date as a casual invitation, and you also give them a behind-the-curtains glimpse into your vibrant life.
Let's be real: No one wants to be with a total bore. It's super attractive to people when you show them that you have a beat on what's happening in the world and the music isnt stopping in your life, regardless of their presence in it.
So if they say no, that's a bummer...but their response can give you prime intel. If they reply with something like, "I don't like sushi, but how about that Greek place downtown?" or "I'm busy Thursday, but are you free next week?" then at least you know they're interested. On the flip side, if they decline and don't offer up an alternative, then you know they're not that into it-or they don't have the social skills to bounce the ball back into your court. Either way, you don't want that person in your life.
Your response to a " rejection "? Pretend you're in an office environment, and go for courteous-professional mode. Shoot back with something simple and kind, like, "No worries, have a good rest of your week!" And then go do said activity without them.
In fact, it can't hurt to have a friend-or another love interest in mind-lined up before you ask someone out. Instead of sitting there, staring at your phone, feeling a bit rejected, you'll be well on your way to deciding what you'll wear while you stuff your face with spicy tuna.
Because at least you know sushi will make you happy...and you can't say the same (sadly) about any first date.
"Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, is a relationship therapist in New York City, author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating, and proud member of WH's advisory board. She's here to answer all your dating, relationship, and life questions-no holds barred.