Lindsay Dodgson

Dark triad personalities — narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy — rely on manipulating other people as their source of power. They thrive off creating chaos for everyone around them, under the illusion of being a caring partner or friend.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are <a id="31615d6f-64b6-3338-a86a-c78d1328efeb" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/sociopaths-often-choose-to-live-normal-life-2016-12?r=US&amp;IR=T"> so good at hiding in plain sight </a> , you'll have a hard time identifying them <a id="5e60e190-808a-3f62-ad86-eb948f0b68fb" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-spot-different-types-of-narcissist-2018-1?r=US&amp;IR=T"> unless you know the signs </a> .

There's also a problem with what we expect these people to be.

When you mention psychopaths, many people will imagine a murderer, rapist, or Hannibal Lecter type. The reality is a lot less dramatic. Someone doesn't have to have committed a violent crime to be diagnosed as a psychopath, and taking a lot of selfies doesn't make someone a narcissist.

They still cause harm to others, but it's more likely to be the emotional and psychological harm that doesn't leave physical scars. That's why they can hop from partner to partner without leaving much of a trace of their destruction.

Doctor of psychology and therapist Perpetua Neo spoke with Business Insider about how dark triad people slip through the cracks, and how our misconceptions can help them manipulate others.

Here are 10 reasons dark triad people are so difficult to spot:

<h1> 1. They are not all Jack the Ripper </h1>

Relatively few psychopaths have a taste for blood. Neo said we tend to believe most psychopaths are in prison, because they are cold-blooded murderers, rapists, or paedophiles, but this simply isn't true for most of them.

She said we tend to ask ourselves if someone is a full-blown psychopath, such as Jack the Ripper, which means we ignore the other signs that they are probably on the spectrum.

"It's just a way we use to justify it to ourselves that there is a good person inside this person, or maybe I'm just bringing the bad side out of this person," she said. "I think the question should be 'are they good to you and are they good for you?'

"Do you really need a person to be Jack the Ripper before you decide to disengage from them?"

If someone is respected in the community, it is harder to assume their intentions aren't good. But sometimes, dark triad people will go into professions that will mask their true intentions. Neo said this always makes her think of the Catholic church, and when they tried to cover up the abuse of young children.

"Because somebody is in a position in a community, we think they're a good person," she said. "Just like if someone's a psychologist or therapist, we think they're a good person. But having gifts doesn't make you a good person. We just conflate all these ideas in our head. Which means for instance, a psychopath may choose to work in a charity, in the third sector, so they can look like they're very giving people. That's how they worm their way in."

<h1> 3. They can actually show empathy </h1>

Dark triad people are more or less devoid of empathy. But Neo said there are two types of empathy — cognitive and affective. Affective empathy is when you truly feel something for someone else, whereas cognitive empathy is the ability to recognise the feelings in others.

Narcissists and psychopaths often watch a lot of TV and films, so they are able to develop cognitive empathy and mimic the behaviours that are appropriate in those situations. For example, they may know to give you a hug, but there is no feeling behind it — they're just copying what they've learned.

"They can seem empathetic even if they lack empathy," Neo said. "But it's their everyday behaviour, what kind of contempt leaks out, that matters. If they seem empathetic towards a person, then the next thing you hear might be a strange remark, or a weird sick joke, then you know this person doesn't really have empathy."

<h1> 4. They can be excessively charming </h1>

Dark triad people can turn on the charm in a matter of seconds. You may be having an argument, and they can switch it on and act like a completely different person.

Neo said when you meet someone and they are too charming, it could be because <a id="e0cf83a6-ac63-308b-a810-72a12502bce8" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7?r=US&amp;IR=T"> they are trying to hook you in with love bombing </a> . It's an effective — and highly manipulative — method of making you feel like you've found your soulmate, and it often starts with the person being highly affectionate, charming, and generous.

"If it doesn't feel natural, you get goosebumps, or feel off kilter, that's a sign," she said. "We know that excessive levels of charm correlate with dark triad traits... but our bodies and brains are wired to react in a way that gets hooked on to them instead."

<h1> 5. They do their homework on you </h1>

Although dark triad people are very good at making you feel like meeting them was fate, this probably isn't true. While they are love bombing you, and telling you how you're "the one," they may have orchestrated the whole relationship.

Neo said it's not uncommon for a narcissist to stalk their potential targets. She heard of one narcissistic man who stalked his wife for three years before they met.

"It's normal to maybe look someone up on Facebook before you meet them," she said. "But these people... they get sophisticated and they play the long game."

It's a common trap narcissists set for their victims, she said. They learn everything they possibly can about you, then instrument a way to meet you. Then they act as if you have so much in common because you must be "soulmates."

Dark triad people have had a lot of practise <a id="bc7c7fb9-75b7-3ca3-a4f9-0f767f6ada05" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7?r=US&amp;IR=T"> hooking people in </a> then discarding them when they are no longer of any use to them, so they know exactly what to say to keep you interested.

No matter how many times they abuse and let them down, their partner always wants to see the good in them. Neo said this is down to confirmation bias, and discounting any evidence that doesn't align with our beliefs. In the case of dark triad partners, this belief is that they are actually good people underneath.

"They also like to use words like 'I really care about you,' or 'I really support you,' or even 'I love you,'" Neo said. "If someone says these words, you want to believe he supports you. You will take these words, and you will discount all the times he's an a*****e. That's how the brain works, and they know that."

No relationship is ever going to be 100% awful. Even the most abusive and turbulent relationships have their good times, which is one of the main reasons people stay with the people who hurt them for so long.

<a id="779c6d01-e767-353a-a191-71dd1db0beb4" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8?r=US&amp;IR=T"> Some people get trauma bonded to their partners </a> , which means they are essentially chemically addicted to the intermittent love and affection they get when things are good. They also strive to get the good times back when things are really awful, because they are led to believe all the negatives in the relationship are their own fault.

"If it was all bad, it would be easy to dismiss them and walk away," Neo said. "But because there are good times... you see this flicker of humanity in them and you want to harness that."

If you meet a narcissist, they will probably let you know how much of a hard life they've had fairly early on. Everyone goes through tough times, but according to Neo, narcissists take it to the extreme.

They will probably tell you about their abusive upbringing, their abusive ex-partners, and how their friends are awful to them. But if you listen closely, they are likely to be blaming other people for their own behaviours — that's if the stories are true at all.

"We believe that this person has a sad sob story, that it's not their fault," Neo said. "Ultimately it doesn't matter how they were made. Yes, it's sad someone has that background that shaped them in a certain way, but the big question is 'are they good to you?'"

<h1> 9. They go after highly empathetic people </h1>

Narcissists know their sob stories will work on their victims, because they tend to <a id="5c64bc4e-4a4f-3bc6-a021-134c701837d4" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1?r=US&amp;IR=T"> attract highly empathetic people </a> .

Somebody high in empathy is highly in tune with other people's emotions, and will constantly try and help out someone who they think is hurting. Unfortunately, narcissists thrive on this level of care, and use it to destroy their partner.

They know they have a partner who will love them selflessly, give them as much attention as they need, and won't be as quick as other people to walk away.

"Empathetic people will be very long suffering if a narcissist says 'I really want to change, I know I'm not perfect.'" said Shannon Thomas, a therapist, <a id="087a868c-00b2-3db1-aba3-926095548032" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1?r=US&amp;IR=T"> in a previous article </a> . "They have these moments where they sort of admit fault, but they never actually follow through or believe it."

Strelka Institute for Media, Architecture and Design/Flickr

Manipulative people, who are often dark triad personalities, <a id="5493f86b-38c0-39ee-a96e-9633cfbb164e" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-gaslighting-2017-7?r=US&amp;IR=T"> gaslight their partners </a> into believing in an alternative reality. This is when someone "screws with your sense of reality to manipulate you, causing you to distrust yourself and trust them instead," Neo said.

Narcissists, for example, may constantly lie to their victim. It starts off with a subtle untruth here and there, so the victim doesn't realise they're being brainwashed.

It's like the "frog in the saucepan" analogy: where the heat is turned up very slowly on the stove, so the frog never realises it's starting to boil to death.

After months, or even years, <a id="de9e9150-56ba-319f-adb6-7f455a7f6bdf" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/the-signs-youre-a-victim-of-perspecticide-2017-10?r=US&amp;IR=T"> the victim is completely under the abuser's control </a> .

10 reasons it's difficult to spot narcissists and psychopaths — and how they use these to hide in plain sight

Humans are amazingly resilient. We're able to withstand immense tragedies and heartbreaks, and come out the other side with scars, but in one piece.

However, sometimes we're made to feel weaker than we really are. This can happen, for example, in a <a id="8c357d8c-3ec5-3fa5-a102-94d58df2bd63" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/what-you-can-learn-from-an-abusive-relationship-2018-2?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> relationship with a toxic person </a> who diminishes your good points, and exaggerates your bad ones.

Some people are also used to playing the victim, according to psychologist Perpetua Neo, which isn't healthy. This is why it's important to be not just resilient, but anti-fragile.

Read more : <a id="bebb34bf-dabb-3993-ad0a-2f2d0866208f" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/how-to-leave-a-narcissist-in-14-steps-2018-10?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> 17 steps to leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist </a>

"We often think in terms of the dichotomy of fragile: I hit you, you break. Or resilience: I hit you, you bounce back," she told INSIDER. "Anti-fragility is even better because you gain out of the chaos. I hit you, you bounce back and you grow even better."

In Greek mythology, this is like the <a id="711d24e3-fdfa-3fea-a772-f906c35bb544" href="https://www.encyclopedia.com/literature-and-arts/classical-literature-mythology-and-folklore/folklore-and-mythology/hydra-mythology"> Hydra </a> — the monster which grows back two heads if one is cut off.

Vulnerability, as opposed to fragility, doesn't make you weak. It can actually be a source of strength, Neo added, because it means you can face up to what you need to change and seek help.

"It takes a lot of courage not to lie to ourselves and somebody else," she said. "Vulnerability doesn't mean you get shattered. But fragility is like a porcelain vase. I accidentally drop it — it's gone."

So if you're feeling like everything is against you, and you'll never be strong again, you should ask yourself where this idea comes from. For instance, did someone tell you you're limited? Did someone take advantage of you, <a id="62b5dc8e-b813-3246-ad2c-bbc32011d7ff" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-gaslighting-2017-7?r=US&amp;IR=T"> gaslight you </a> , or make you feel small? Often, people feel like victims beacuse someone else has treated them that way.

"Some people like playing the victim, because that gives you secondary gain," Neo said. "So again, it's about being honest with yourself. If I am a victim, and I stay in this s----y place, what do I benefit from it?"

You may like the sympathy you get from friends, or even strangers, when you tell your story. But in the end, you may not be gaining all that much from the drama.

"It's all about comfort zones," said Neo. "And it's scarier to create a new world than to languish in an old world that sucks."

Read more : <a id="5340f073-d8f0-3bcc-a33d-832778bf3055" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/comfortable-or-familiar-in-relationship-2018-2?r=US&amp;IR=T"> The difference between being familiar or comfortable with someone — and why one can be a red flag </a>

You can always change your path, and everyone has the capacity for anti-fragility, Neo said. Problems just arise when we oscillate between thinking our complaints are not big enough to bring up, and running away from them out of shame.

The way to combat this is to remind yourself of two things you've overcome. This makes you realises everyone, including yourself, has triumphed over something.

"When you think about this triumph you've had, we actually learn to be proud of ourselves," said Neo. "And I want you to tap into where you feel that in your body. Give it a colour. Not a colour you like but the colour it feels like.

"And whenever you feel like you've got nothing to feel resilient about, tap into that colour again. That can be the quickest shortcut to getting you where you want to be."

NOW WATCH: <a id="c418df3e-74db-3670-a72b-e156bf9b3c3b" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/63-year-old-model-reveals-the-secrets-that-keep-her-feeling-young-yazemeenahrossi-2018-11?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> A 63-year-old model reveals the secrets that keep her feeling young </a>

Being 'anti-fragile' in times of pain is just as important as being resilient — here's what that means

There is a lot of debate around what you can and cannot ask on a first date. Some people say you shouldn't go in too hard with the interrogation because it'll make your date think you're desperate. Others say the probing questions help you really learn about each other. Ultimately, it's hard to know what to do.

According to Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site <a id="3baa387b-2cfd-3565-a107-888bd94d1f75" href="https://www.alittlenudge.com/"> A Little Nudge </a> , it's best to keep things light the first time you meet someone.

"A lot of people love to compare their sob stories, like woe is me, tell me about your divorce, when was your last relationship," she told INSIDER. "Let's see if you like each other first... You want to learn who the other person is today. You can get to know them then learn more about the past."

On the other hand, if you date a lot, you might not want to re-hash the same questions over and over again. You might have run out of patience and want to know some quick-fire ways to see if someone has potential, without sending them running.

Scroll down for seven "awkward" first date questions you can ask to set up a slightly more interesting conversation — provided you ask them right — as well as three you should never ask, just so you're absolutely sure where to drawn the line.

<h1> 1. DO ask: What are you looking for in a relationship? </h1>

On a first date, this seems pretty obvious., but a surprising number of people are too timid to ask.

According to <a id="dc97977d-a636-382e-a740-59d1c4acdf40" href="http://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/dating/galleries/8-things-you-should-always-ask-on-a-first-date.aspx?p=3"> dating site eHarmony </a> , it's important you determine whether your date is looking for someone to settle down with or a quick fling before you invest emotionally. At the same time, you should think about what you're looking for, otherwise you're just wasting each other's time.

<h1> 2. DO ask: Am I what you expected from my profile? </h1>

If you met on a dating app — which, to be honest, basically everyone does now — you will probably have analysed each other's profiles excessively.

Some people are transparent and you get exactly what you expected, but others come across completely differently on their profile than in person.

Sometimes it doesn't matter, and you feel a spark anyway. Other times, you can feel a little cheated, because you don't really know how to talk to the stranger you're sitting with.

But even if this happens, it doesn't have to be a waste of time. <a id="e01b840d-dacf-3d98-ac58-98bdb2670c14" href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/112322-8-awkward-first-date-questions-that-are-actually-sneakily-genius"> According to Elite Daily </a> , it's a good way to get feedback. For example, you can be honest about the fact you didn't feel the chemistry, and you were misled by someone's profile. Even though you're saying no to a second date, you haven't wasted their time.

<h1> 3. DO ask: What’s something I should know about you? </h1>

This question can be quite a smart move, because it allows the other person to be as revealing or as reserved as they like. <a id="a7f7a0b9-850e-36a1-a3e2-46b553a1359f" href="http://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/dating/galleries/8-things-you-should-always-ask-on-a-first-date.aspx?p=6"> According to eHarmony </a> , it potentially gives you a glimpse of who they really are.

In fact, during a first date, people may be more willing to be open about who they are, what they like, and if they have any unusual habits. You haven't invested in each other yet, and you have relatively little to lose.

"Use this to your advantage," eHarmony says. "Ask them to reveal something that they may not reveal otherwise.... It's better that you know these answers early on before you get too invested."

<h1> 4. DO ask: What do you think of [insert deal-breaker here]? </h1>

Some people say it's a bad idea to get into anything too serious on a first date. On the other hand, if you have some really firm beliefs on certain topics, which you consider deal-breakers, you might want to get them out the way.

For example, if you're super left-wing, you might want to ensure you're not dating a Trump fan. Or if you love meat, you might want to figure out if someone is completely vegan before you take things further. Of course, people with opposing views can certainly get together, but for some, it's just not an option.

<h1> 5. DO ask: Are you happy with that? </h1>

If you're looking to take the conversation a little deeper, when someone has told you what they do, or where they are in their life, you can simply ask: "are you happy with that?"

It's a perfectly innocent follow-up, and you're not suggesting anything by it. But their answer can tell you a lot about who they are. Either they will appreciate the opportunity to talk about themselves a bit more, or they won't. They might be defensive, but that's a bit of a red flag in itself.

"As long as you're not asking the question judgmentally, there's no reason why they should be offended by it," <a id="dde2739e-fafa-307f-a03f-cae688169527" href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/112322-8-awkward-first-date-questions-that-are-actually-sneakily-genius"> says an article on Elite Daily </a> . "You have a right to know whether you're about to get involved with someone who's more passive than you'd like."

<h1> DO ask: Do you want to meet up again? </h1>

If the date went well, you'll probably want to see each other again — that's how dating works. But when it actually comes to it, it can be tricky to work out how and when to ask the person out again. It leaves you vulnerable, because you're basically saying: "I like you!"

Overall, it's better to arrange to do something while you're on the first date, rather than wait around to organise it by text. Otherwise you <a id="5c9fa3f7-cca2-3916-a0f8-d42e380863b4" href="http://uk.businessinsider.com/dating-terms-you-need-to-know-2017-9?r=US&amp;IR=T#ghosting-2"> leave yourself open to ghosting </a> .

<a id="e4b28f7b-a285-33e1-a831-97f02165a114" href="https://www.eharmony.co.uk/dating-advice/dating/10-brilliant-first-date-questions#.Wt8BVtPwZ-U"> According to eHarmony </a> : "If you don’t ask, you won’t know, and if you are the sort of person who can’t bear to be left wondering whether they will call or not it might be better to come right out and say it."

<h1> 6. DO (maybe) ask: So when did you last get tested? </h1>

We're not suggesting you blurt this out as soon as you sit down. That would be weird. And a little intense.

But sometimes, a first date can go really well. And <a id="7493fe90-a244-3808-a846-cac72dbe4bb2" href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/112322-8-awkward-first-date-questions-that-are-actually-sneakily-genius"> as Elite Daily points out </a> , many people wait until they are in the heat of the moment before they bring up STIs — if they bring it up at all.

"It gives them a head's up that this is important to you, and some more time to get tested before your next date if they haven't been in awhile," the article says. "For another, if they react with shock or judgment, it's a red flag that they might not take safety as seriously as you do."

<h1> 1. DO NOT ask: Why the hell are you single? </h1>

This question may seem flattering, but it's really not. It actually just suggests there's something wrong with being single. Or, even worse, something wrong with you.

"Being single is not a crime," <a id="4ffed378-25b8-308f-a1d2-be9b1fe78130" href="http://www.businessinsider.com/why-you-shouldnt-ask-someone-why-they-are-single-2018-1?r=US&amp;IR=T"> Ettin said </a> . "In fact, it's a valid life choice that many people desire...[It's] as if one thinks you've been single since the day you came out of the womb. The reality is that we never know the other person's story."

It also suggests that being in a relationship is everyone's ultimate goal, which isn't necessarily the case. Just because someone is unattached, doesn't mean they are desperate for a relationship, or they are lagging behind everyone else.

<h1> 2. DO NOT ask: Do you want kids/want to get married/stay in the area, etc? </h1>

According to Ettin, this stuff is just far too intense for the first time you meet someone. There's no rush, because if everything is going well, then you'll have plenty of time to work out the rest.

Also, it might make you come across as a bit desperate. That doesn't mean that you are, but you want to present your best self when you're meeting your partner for the first time, and fretting about the future probably won't do that.

"Let's see if you have rapport before you decide to have kids together," Ettin said. "Don't put the cart before the horse. One step at a time."

<h1> 3. DO NOT ask: How much money do you make? </h1>

This one is just rude, and hopefully you understand why. It's number 1 on <a id="8fb10dc3-e25e-3e47-a44a-c297d3d5c28f" href="https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/first-dates/20-first-date-questions-you-dont-want-to-ask-ever/#.V7x33ZMrI_U"> eHarmony's list of 20 questions you shouldn't ask on a first date </a> , because it just makes you come across as shallow.

Hopefully nobody actually asks this, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

7 awkward questions you should ask on a first date — and 3 you really shouldn't

People like concrete answers. For instance, it takes around <a id="aeaee5f0-ab8b-3c6c-a14e-506f7ce9ff33" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-long-it-takes-to-be-best-friends-with-someone-2018-4?r=US&amp;IR=T"> 200 hours to become best friends with someone </a> , and you shouldn't wait <a id="dce03ba9-7013-32a9-a673-62edf0abf8d0" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/how-long-you-should-date-someone-before-you-make-it-official-2018-7?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> much longer than two months </a> before you and your partner make things official.

But when it comes to how long the ideal conversation should last, it's not so clear.

Psychologists Adam Mastroianni and Daniel Gilbert from Harvard University have been looking into the issue, and they published <a id="b749f3a6-4c0c-3402-aeae-d9d37032acf4" href="http://www.adammastroianni.com/feed/2018/11/15/nobody-knows-when-to-stop-talking"> a preview of some of their research on a blog this month </a> .

"Humans spend much of their days talking to other humans," they wrote for a presentation at the Society for Judgment and Decision Making. "It's reasonable to expect that these conversations end when one or both people want them to end. We hypothesize, however, that they don't."

In an experiment, Mastroianni and Gilbert recruited 133 pairs of people, and locked them in a room together to talk for one to 45 minutes about anything they wanted. The participants were told they could end the conversation whenever they wanted too.

Afterwards, they asked the participants if and when they first felt the conversation should end, and to guess how the other person felt.

The main findings were only 15% of the people in the study left the conversation when they wanted to. Half the time, partners didn't want the same thing — one wanted to leave sooner, and the other wanted to stay longer.

Overall, almost nobody left conversations exactly when they wanted to. The researchers concluded this is probably because participants wanted different things, and "people had no idea when their partners wanted to leave."

"Participants may have been inaccurate because they used a faulty heuristic," they wrote. "They anchored on their own desired length and insufficiently adjusted when guessing their partner's desired length."

Cody Kommers, who manages the computational cognitive neuroscience lab at Harvard University, <a id="d40fa312-772c-3c13-ae29-e5c542ba7d3f" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendly-interest/201812/when-should-conversation-end"> wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today </a> that people have prior expectations about a range of things. For example, they expect movies to be about 110 minutes, and rarely longer than two hours.

"They expect poems usually to be a few lines long, but allow that some can go up into the thousands," Kommers wrote. "They expect that the majority of cake recipes call for precisely 60 minutes in the oven. And they even expect the reigns of most Egyptian pharaohs to have lasted on the order of only a few years."

In the experiment, the average conversation lasted around 30 minutes. Kommers wrote he would have predicted this is longer than anyone would have wanted to talk.

"We may have a pretty strong understanding of how long we want something to go on for, but it seems like we're not as successful in extending that understanding to include other people," he said. "Further compounding the issue, people had no idea that they had no idea about their partner's expectations."

Another possible reason for people sticking out the conversations is altruism. Research has shown how some people <a id="784fec90-4d0e-3a40-a3b2-c164b6c2f097" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/surprising-reason-you-stay-in-unhappy-relationships-2018-10?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> stay in unhappy relationships </a> because they might see their partner putting a lot of effort in, and decide to give it another chance.

Essentially, if you see someone committing to the relationship, it can make you feel like it could be worth saving. The unhappy partner might want to give the relationship a second chance because the happy partner is clearly still invested.

But you don't know what someone else is thinking. So rather than second-guessing, it might be a better idea to be upfront when talking with someone reaches a natural end. After all, there's no guarantee the other person wants to be stuck talking to you either.

NOW WATCH: <a id="d36fe3c4-e0cc-38fc-a57f-0cb126a76a3c" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/real-italian-mammas-are-sharing-their-home-cooking-at-this-restaurant-2018-10?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> A London restaurant hired Italian moms to make real home-cooked food — this is what it’s like </a>

Turns out nobody knows how long a conversation should last, and we keep talking way longer than we actually want to

Alcohol is a curious thing. Some reports say a small amount could <a id="3c775151-6b62-3d44-acc7-3891fdbabf88" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/drinkers-may-outlive-teetotalers-2018-6?r=US&amp;IR=T"> make you live longer </a> , while other studies say there is <a id="3ccf34a4-7ff1-3333-a5c0-1e159b849955" href="https://www.thisisinsider.com/there-is-no-safe-amount-of-alcohol-2018-8?utm_source=intl&amp;utm_medium=ingest"> no safe amount at all </a> .

One thing's for sure, though — alcohol certainly affects our behaviour. So much so, some people report feeling completely different when they've had a drink.

It's a staple of our social lives, often being referred to as a "social lubricant," but alcohol can also be damaging to our relationships.

Here are 11 ways alcohol can affect your friendships, romantic connections, and sex life — for better or for worse.

<h1> 1. It makes you more confident </h1>

Research has shown that alcohol <a id="34451f87-4860-3e57-abf8-5aefb0c0cfc1" href="http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037/0033-2909.105.3.374"> suppresses psychological inhibitions </a> , which may mean the anxiety and nerves associated with making a move on someone are reduced. It can also make you more confident in other ways.

"Body image concerns or worries about pleasing a partner or reaching orgasm can be relaxed with a glass of wine," said sex therapist Laurie Watson <a id="039fb662-a27a-3ee3-a1fb-ee30df346344" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/married-and-still-doing-it/201811/8-ways-alcohol-can-affect-your-sex-life"> in a blog post for Psychology Today. </a> "Alcohol may also make erotic talk seem easier. Focusing on performance suffocates a man's instinct to initiate, and a small amount of alcohol can reduce his fear of a poor outcome and increase his sexual courage."

Evgeniy Kalinovskiy / Shutterstock

Lower inhibitions and an extra dose of confidence mean you're more likely to take risks. This could mean going up to the person you fancy and making a move, or making your feelings for someone clear.

<a id="1a0c0027-3ae3-3433-a9b4-2bf382a502e4" href="https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/05/22/why-drunk-people-take-risks.aspx"> Research has shown </a> how when drinking, the brain has decreased sensitivity in regions involved in detecting threats, and increased activity in regions associated with reward. This means you may be less able to tell the difference between a threatening and non-threatening social situation, leading to more risky behaviour. For some, this can mean accidentally starting brawls. For others, it can be declaring their fondness for someone.

<h1> 3. In the moment, it can reduce stress </h1>

Alcohol is a sedative and a depressant. This means it affects the central nervous system, and in moderation can make you feel more relaxed. In the short term, drinking lowers the stresses of life, because you feel less bothered by everything you have to do.

This stops you obsessing over your responsibilities so much, lessening anxiety, and allowing you to live more in the moment. This is pretty important for connecting with someone.

"Alcohol's depressant properties slow down the neurons in our brain temporarily, lowering pressure and tension from our worries," wrote Watson. "And optimal sex requires us to focus on the sensations in the body letting go of our stressors and endless to-do lists."

<h1> 4. Beer goggles make people seem more attractive </h1>

Beer goggles are often thought of as a myth, but according to research, there is some truth to the idea people seem more attractive through the lens of alcohol.

In 2003, a study in the journal Addiction found that men and women rated people as more attractive if they'd consumed alcohol. Similarly, in 2014, <a id="1c3e1176-3bfe-3879-acfa-509dbc230c34" href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24858916"> a study published in Alcohol and Alcoholism </a> found alcohol influences the perceived attractiveness of both faces and landscapes.

Increased attraction while tipsy could be to do with lowered inhibitions, but it could also be something to do with how the brain interprets faces. For example, <a id="054682ac-e5fe-3d9f-a860-5ac30d346858" href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18686714"> one study </a> suggests alcohol makes people less able to recognise symmetry, which is <a id="29baf641-bf1b-346d-a5a3-47c6f33bb7ad" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/characteristics-that-make-you-attracted-to-someones-face-2018-2?r=US&amp;IR=T#5-facial-hair-5"> one characteristic of attractiveness </a> .

It could also be the reward system going into overdrive, meaning a drunk person is more likely to seek out pleasurable activities like sex... or cheese fries.

Alcohol impacts the prefrontal cortex in the brain, which is the region associated with emotions. This means after a drink you might want to feel closer to the person you like. <a id="816f14ad-e8fa-3ecf-a7f0-2ecfc458eaa5" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/married-and-still-doing-it/201811/8-ways-alcohol-can-affect-your-sex-life"> According to Watson </a> , alcohol can cause you to be more talkative, meaning you're more open about your loving feelings.

"If a partner needs their spouse to open up in order to make it emotionally safe to feel sexual, small amounts of alcohol may increase their relatedness," she said.

<h1> 6. It can help form friendships </h1>

For those who <a id="e449bf62-326c-3c59-ab20-e7ff4f5ebe25" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/a-psychotherapist-shares-4-ways-you-can-channel-your-anxiety-into-something-positive-2017-8?r=US&amp;IR=T"> suffer from anxiety </a> , a small amount of alcohol can help them in social settings by making them more relaxed and less self-aware.

A small amount of alcohol can also make people <a id="6e6d61ac-e608-3a7f-a8d5-161eed3076ad" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-37383682"> more friendly and more empathetic </a> — both important characteristics when making friends.

However, if you feel you need to have a drink to be able to cope with talking to people in every situation, then it could be a sign of a bigger problem.

<h1> 7. Scent and alcohol consumption are linked </h1>

Alcohol and attraction can work both ways. <a id="e1dd4aed-a635-3aeb-ad23-f506503e70f0" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/men-scent-women-drink-more-alcohol-2018-1?r=US&amp;IR=T"> According to some research </a> , the way a man smells might have an impact on how much a woman drinks when she is with him. Men also drink more if they smell the scent of a woman who is in her fertile period.

The researchers concluded that male scents might instigate drinking because there is a cultural association between drinking alcohol and having sex. Research has shown that alcohol suppresses psychological inhibitions, which may lead to an increased desire for sex.

<h1> 8. Your judgment is impaired </h1>

Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock

Although having a drink can make you more confident, drinking too much can have a bad impact on our judgment, and you may not realise you're getting yourself into a dangerous situation.

For instance, you may accidentally have unprotected sex, or you may be unable to give consent.

"Obviously, not to have clear consent with a partner means drinking and attempting sex can also be a risk for a misunderstanding or even an accusation," said Watson.

As Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: "It increases the desire, but it takes away the performance."

Alcohol is a major cause of impotence, otherwise known as erectile dysfunction. So although you might have all the intentions of having sex, drinking too much can mean it just isn't going to happen.

Being drunk affects women's biology too, by decreasing libido, and even making sex uncomfortable or painful.

"Being inebriated is sometimes a passive way to not be present with our partner or be able to understand their sexual and emotional needs," said Watson.

In other words, if you've had too much to drink, you might not be so much in the moment with your partner. Sometimes you might even forget you've shared an intimate moment with them.

<h1> 11. It can increase the chance of infidelity </h1>

Reduced anxiety and inhibitions can be great. But it can also mean you do things you wouldn't normally do. For some people, this means cheating on their partner.

Drinking can mean some of your repressed emotions rise to the surface. For instance, if you're in an unhappy relationship, having a drink might make you more inclined to face those feelings. This may mean you seek comfort in someone else in a moment of weakness.

Lindsay Dodgson

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Turns out nobody knows how long a conversation should last, and we keep talking way longer than we actually want to

11 ways alcohol affects your sex life and relationships