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Let’s face it—sex is rarely just about physical pleasure. It’s emotional, psychological, and sometimes even political. And while there’s no single “right” reason to have sex, there are certainly wrong ones—especially when you’re doing it to fill a void, avoid rejection, or prove something to yourself or someone else.
The truth is, many of us have had sex for reasons that didn’t actually serve our well-being. Whether it's to feel desired, to keep someone interested, or just because we didn’t know how to say “no”, these choices can leave us feeling empty, confused, or disconnected.
If you’ve ever questioned your motivations, you’re not alone—and the good news is, you can change the story. Let’s explore the most common unhealthy reasons people have sex—and how to move towards a more authentic, empowered experience.
Signs You Are Having Sex For The Wrong Resons
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1. You're Using Sex to Seek Validation
Have you ever agreed to sex because it made you feel wanted, beautiful, or worthy? Many people use sex as a way to boost their self-esteem, especially after a rejection, a breakup, or during a period of low confidence.
While there's nothing wrong with enjoying the confidence boost that intimacy can bring, it becomes unhealthy when your worth becomes tied to someone else’s desire. If you're only feeling attractive when you're being sexual, it's time to reassess where your self-worth is coming from.
Shift the mindset: Focus on practices that build internal validation—like affirmations, dressing for yourself, therapy, or body-positive movement. Have sex when it’s truly about mutual pleasure, not approval.
READ ALSO: Things your period might be telling you about your health
2. You're Afraid Saying No Will Push Them Away
It’s a quiet fear that haunts many relationships—if I say no, they’ll think I’m not into them… or worse, they’ll leave. So you go along with it, even if you're tired, stressed, or simply not in the mood.
This is a form of sexual people-pleasing, and while it might keep the peace short term, it can slowly breed resentment, disconnect, and emotional exhaustion.
Shift the mindset: Remind yourself: saying “no” is not a rejection of your partner—it’s an affirmation of your own boundaries. A respectful partner will appreciate honesty more than silent sacrifice.
ALSO READ: Ways your emotional attachment style shows up in the bedroom
3. You're Trying to ‘Fix’ a Relationship with Sex
Some couples fall into the trap of thinking great sex can solve emotional distance, cheating, or constant arguments. You might use sex to reconnect, to feel close again, or to “win them back” after conflict.
But sex isn’t therapy. It can enhance connection, but it cannot replace healthy communication, trust, or compatibility. And relying on it to fix deeper issues only offers temporary relief.
Shift the mindset: If sex is being used as a plaster over emotional wounds, it’s time to have the hard conversation. Ask: Are we using intimacy to avoid dealing with our problems? Address what’s missing outside the bedroom first.
READ ALSO: What’s really the science behind women getting more attached after sex?
4. You're Having Sex Just to “Keep Up”
In the age of social media and hypersexual culture, it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind if you’re not having loads of sex. You might feel pressure to be sexually adventurous, constantly available, or perform in ways that don’t reflect what you actually enjoy.
Sexuality isn’t a competition. There’s no gold medal for having the most orgasms or wildest stories. If you’re having sex because it’s what you think you “should” be doing, it’s time to reclaim your pace.
Shift the mindset: Tune into what you want—not what culture, friends, or Instagram influencers say is “normal”. It’s okay to go through dry spells. It’s okay to want vanilla sex. It’s okay to say not right now.
ALSO READ: Is it love or just infatuation? 7 signs that reveal the truth
5. You're Using Sex to Numb or Escape
Sex can offer a rush of dopamine and oxytocin—happy hormones that temporarily distract from pain, loneliness, grief, or stress. But like alcohol or emotional eating, it can become an unhealthy coping mechanism.
If you’re using sex as a form of self-soothing—hooking up when you’re anxious, chasing affection after a fight, or diving into intimacy right after heartbreak—it might not be serving your healing.
Shift the mindset: Begin to recognise emotional triggers and soothe them through healthier means: journalling, mindfulness, therapy, or talking with friends. Choose sex when it’s about presence, not avoidance.
ALSO READ: Surprising effects of overindulging intimate activities
6. You're Confusing Lust with Genuine Connection
Sometimes, we mistake sexual chemistry for emotional intimacy. That butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling? It might be lust, not love. And while both are valid, having sex under the illusion of deeper connection can leave you emotionally disappointed—especially if expectations aren’t mutual.
Shift the mindset: Get clear on what you’re seeking before sex. Is it companionship? Closeness? Reassurance? If so, make sure the person you're engaging with is on the same emotional page.
Reclaiming Sex as a Choice—Not a Chore or a Crutch
Having sex should be a conscious, consensual, and empowering choice—not something driven by fear, expectation, or emptiness. You don’t owe anyone your body, and you certainly don’t need to use it as proof of your worth.
You deserve intimacy that nourishes—not depletes—you. So next time you're about to get intimate, ask yourself:
“Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I feel I have to?”
The answer could change everything.