My boyfriend is a very giving and attentive lover. He uses sex to express things that he sometimes has trouble saying out loud. Like before he told me he was falling in love with me his body had made it clear by wrapping my arms tightly around him while he was coming and asking me to hold him tightly with something close to tears in his eyes.

Before he asked me to date him exclusively he would spread my legs and eat me out with this gentleness and reverence and admission that he would do anything for me.

So I guess it should come as no surprise that I can tell what he’s feeling every time he’s inside me. But somehow, after a year and some change together it still surprises me that he apologizes with sex because I have been raised to think of it as something only women do.

Whether this is actually based on any statistical data or are just the impressions I have formed from life and watching TV I am not sure. I just know that every message I’ve gotten since birth has toyed with this notion that women use “pussy power” to get things they want and to appease after doing something wrong.

I, not being prone to using pussy power under any circumstances myself, feel a little strange using my body to apologize after a fight. I usually just do it with words.

But then again I do everything with words. I tend to say everything I’m feeling. During a fight, I burst into tears if I want to. I make declarations of pain and hurt and I state my intent to do this or that. I say how my feelings have changed.

I say what I am scared of and ask questions about what things mean if I can’t decipher them on my own. During fights my guy tends to be less verbal than I am. He either gets defensive and snarky or really stark and emotional.

But during apologies, if he is wrong and genuinely has something to apologize for, it’s like his soul becomes the color of water. He apologizes and looks you straight in the eye and makes sure you understand and you accept. And then he proceeds to try to show you with his body how sorry he is.

He wants to pleasure you till you forget that he ever made you angry or sad or hurt you. He wants you to come and come and come and come and come and come while he does nothing but hold you and tell you how much he loves your body and how happy you make him and how sorry he is. Fucking my guy after a fight is something akin to a spiritual experience.

I read somewhere once that the reasons why relationships, even those with good, fair-minded, progressive men who genuinely adore their partners, start going south when for some very valid external reason (fatigue, kids, work etc) the woman just isn’t as interested in sex anymore is because the lack of fucking becomes a plug on the guy’s emotional centre.

The way it was broken down by the author was that there are some things that a guy cannot say without sexual intimacy, a certain amount of emotional accessibility and vulnerability men use their bodies to convey and so when they can no longer express that to the women they love the bottled up emotions turn to resentment and distance. I don’t know if I believe this but I think my dude definitely exemplifies some of it.

His hands, his mouth, his dick, his body are all like the words in a language and without them he doesn’t seem able to form complete and coherent sentences. I love it because I love sex but I wonder where the hell it comes from and if other people are like this. Dear Reader, help me out. Is this a dude thing or a my dude thing?

This article originally appeared on Republished with permission from the author.

By Voluptuous Voltarian