6 simple ways to talk about sex in a new relationship

Sex is a life-affirming act, one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. But talking about it? So much harder.

Intimate relationships are built on communication and any form of prolonged sexual engagement with someone is an intimate relationship. This means that without honest communication, you are doing your relationship a disservice.

Sex conversations can be exciting and funny, but also difficult. No matter what, they will bring you closer to your partner and make your relationship more secure.

Here are some tips on how to talk about sex in a new relationship:

• Get going straight away

It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, the longer you wait, the harder it will become. Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations and say about consent or contraception.

• Open up about your fantasies

People find it hard to share their sexual fantasies, only half of us have. But there’s a lot to gain from doing so. People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships.

• Timing is everything

It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it, but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable. Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you is rushed.

This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on.

Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive. Break the ice: watch an erotic film, have some wine – find something that gets the ball rolling.

• Be clear and explain

Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that. Otherwise, they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected.

• Take responsibility for your own pleasure

Go away and focus purely on their own pleasure, rather than that of your partner's. That way, they’re not thinking, ‘I’ve got to please this person. It removes performance anxiety, which is really distracting.

If you own your experience in this way, it makes it harder to criticise the other person.

People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm – they don’t. If you take ownership of your own orgasm, it’s within nobody’s power to “not” give you one. In this way, it’s harder to blame the other person.

• Listen and ask questions

One of the biggest problems in communication is not that people don’t know how to talk, but they don’t know how to listen. They are so worried about how to avoid hurting themselves or the other person, they spend the whole time thinking about what to say next, rather than really listening.

Park your emotional response, and try to be curious, detached and present. Try to put yourself in their shoes and you must try to accept what you’re hearing.