How to wipe and wash your butt for optimal cleanliness

According to Reddit users, plenty of people actually don't know how to keep their downstairs squeaky clean.

Wiping and washing might seem as though they're pretty basic human skills, but in reality, there are plenty of ways to mess them up. (For example, some people are convinced you can wipe while standing, which is nowhere near correct.)

Screwing up the intricate art of washing your butt can lead to odor, discomfort, or swamp ass. None of those symptoms are particularly fun, especially in the age of ass eating, pegging, and prostate stimulation. Butthole visibility is at an all-time high, so make sure that it's not visibly crumbly and matted.

Here's how you can avoid skidmarks and make sure your \uD83C\uDF51\uD83C\uDF51 is – well, just peachy.

How to Wipe Your Butt

The first step towards peak cleanliness is maintaining a well-wiped butt. Wiping and cleaning go hand in hand, which is something we generally learned once we left diapers behind.

Unfortunately, the correct way to wipe your butt might elude you. Dr. Joel Krachman, MD is the Chief of Gastroenterology for New Jersey-based AtlantiCare Regional Medical Center. According to Dr. Krachman, there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to wiping, except that you probably shouldn’t do it hard and/or fast.

"Some people wipe so vigorously that they irritate the anal area," Krachman says. This can cause painful conditions like hemorrhoids or anal abscesses, which can lead to their own problems, such as bleeding, itching, and leakage. If you suffer from either of those conditions, he recommends using wet wipes instead of the usual dry TP.

No matter which wipes you choose, make sure you take a close look at the ingredients.

Many popular brands contain the preservative methylisothiazolinone, which is “an ingredient that can cause an allergic reaction in a lot of people,” according to pharmacologist Joe Graedon, the co-founder of The People’s Pharmacy, a consumer advocacy website.

Some of the fancy designer-brands, including Dude Wipes, don’t contain methylisothiazolinone.

There’s also Aquinelle Toilet Tissue Mist, which will run you $10 for about 300 sprays, which moistens your toilet paper thanks to a combination of aloe and witch hazel. The mist also comes in a variety of scents like Island Mist, Citrus Burst, and Ocean Breeze, just in case you're hoping for some extra help in terms of scent.

Graedon recommends skipping the fancy products and buying liquefied witch hazel, which he says is cheaper and just as effective.

After your usual wiping, add a few drops to a small wad of toilet paper – just enough to dampen it – and give your butt a final wipe.

You may not be clean on a microscopic level, Graedon says, but a witch hazel cleanse ensures "far less bacterial contamination."

Whichever method you choose (though it likely won't involve a container of witch hazel because who has the time?) is up to you.

How to Wash Your Butt

As with the rest of your body, the shower is the best opportunity to really clean your butt.

And no, cleaning doesn't mean just letting the water run down your back and between your crack like a lazy river. It also doesn't mean grabbing any old bar of soap and gliding it lightly between the cheeks. It's not that simple.

Dr. Krachman stresses the use of a soap that’s gentle on the skin. Look for words like "sensitive" or "gentle" as you select which soaps will be used specifically for taking care of things below the belt. Keep in mind that whichever bar you choose should not also be used on the face or the rest of the body. That's a recipe for pink eye.

It's also best to use a hand-held shower head for direct, up-close cleansing. If you prefer a washcloth or loofa, it's fine to get between the cheeks, but again, remember not to be too vigorous with your motions. It's best to make sure you're washing this regularly because it's your butthole we're talking about here.

No matter which method you choose, getting the soap to a lather and washing or gently scrubbing should take care of most of the debris. And from there, checking things out, toweling off, and wiping correctly should all solve the problem.