‘I passed out on the stairmaster while prepping for a bikini competition’

In high school, I started to feel the effects of this lifestyle. I got back from one vacation where I ate my weight in food, and I felt so uncomfortable. I had zero confidence and felt like I was busting out of my clothes. I was tired and sluggish; I hated it.

So I decided to change. Based on the knowledge I had at the time, I thought a healthy change meant eating like a bunny and doing a ton of cardio. So that's exactly what I did.

After a couple of weeks of this, I did indeed lose weight. But instead of feeling strong and confident, I just felt weak. And I was miserable. The constant cardio and calorie restriction didn’t feel sustainable, and it was eating away at my confidence and happiness.

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It felt so empowering—exactly what I had been looking for. I learned the proper form for basic movements and found workout plans online. I also started following YouTube fitness channels for meal plans and workout ideas.

About a year after I started lifting, I began noticing real changes in my body. I was getting stronger but also leaner. The thing was, at that time, I was only eating around 1,400 calories a day because I felt like I needed to restrict myself to have my dream body. Because that was so low, I would binge once a week. It was a vicious cycle.

Then I decided I wanted to do a bikini competition, so I hired a coach who told me I should be eating closer to 1,800 calories—just for weight maintenance. Competition prep became really intense and my life geared up at the same time—I prepped through my 18th birthday, through prom, and graduation. At the time, my parents didn't totally understand it, but they were supportive.

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Then, one day, I was finishing my workout on the Stairmaster, and blacked out. My parents had been watching the toll competition prep was taking on me, and after this incident, they insisted I go to the doctor.

It turned out I had some pretty severe issues with hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) from treating my body so horribly. My parents became super nervous about my health at this point—and rightfully so. They wanted me to stop prepping. But I thought setbacks like this were just part of the process, and my coach wasn’t telling me to step back or stop training, My parents trusted my decisions, so when I decided to push through, that's what I did.

But in reality, this was just the tip of the iceberg of signs the whole training cycle was creating a lot of disordered behavior in my life. In the throes of prep, I was completely blind to how much all the eating restrictions and bingeing were taking a toll on my body. And when it came time for the bikini competition, I didn’t even enjoy it that much.

Then, I completely crashed. I couldn't keep up the binge/restrict cycle you’re forced to do for prep, and I couldn't keep up with this image that I was trying to portray—perfect and in control. I was only 18 and I was miserable, forcing myself to work out when I didn't want to, not enjoying foods that I wanted to in fear of gaining weight.

I had a completely warped body image post-competition—I was TINY, but since I didn't look like my competition self, I thought I was fat. I was so used to prepping my food and eating everything on my plate, so I had no idea what a normal portion size was or how to feel hunger cues. I actually made myself sick eating too much on multiple occasions.

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I tried to loosen the reins on my regimen and allowed some flexibility in my diet and my training. I fueled my body with what made me feel good instead of trying to hit certain macro numbers. If I craved it, I let myself have it—in healthy moderation. I hired a professional for a bit, but it just took a lot of time and trial and error to figure out how to eat normally without counting macros.

That said, it wasn't easy to make the switch. I struggled a lot with reframing my thinking into more mindful eating. But by accepting that I can eat “treat” foods every day and still reach my goals, eventually I was able to get away from the "all or nothing" mentality.

And fueling more had a major advantage: I was able to push myself more and gain more strength. In the initial months after competing, I hired a coach, but once I got my personal trainer certification, I started creating my own programming. I cut back on cardio but kept lifting five times a week.

Fitness became fun again, and if I didn't make it to the gym five times a week, I didn't stress over it. My body was less lean but I was finally happy, and the number on the scale stopped controlling me.

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It's been over three years since hitting that low. Now, I’m 21 and I work out around four times a week, usually lifting, but I also love getting out in nature—hiking, walking my dog, literally anything outside. I eat over 2,000 calories per day and follow the 80/20 rule, eating mostly super nutrient-dense foods but with some fun, indulgent treats. I never label foods as "good" or "bad" anymore.

I’m about 20 pounds heavier than when I was while prepping for that bikini competition—and I’ve never felt so free and at peace with my body and my mind. I’ve found confidence and security with who I am. I’m no longer trying to look a certain way to impress anyone.

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If you don't love yourself where you're at, you aren't going to love yourself once you lose 10 pounds.

Follow Brittany’s fitness journey @brittanyannette.