Top funny Valentine's Day quotes

“Love is like a faucet, it turns off and on.” – Billie Holiday

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Here is a collection of funny quotes about romance, dating, love and marriage to get your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or single friends laughing about the holiday:

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” – Lucille Ball

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” – Russell Brand

“Today, folks should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” – Stephen Colbert

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” –Albert Einstein

“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” – Jimmy Fallon

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“Valentine’s Day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone’s like, ‘Oh, Happy Valentine’s Day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!” – Greg Giraldo

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero

“Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.” – Jay Leno

“The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.’” – George Lopez

“I require three things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” – Dorothy Parker

“Love is a grave mental disease” – Plato

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard

“There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments.” – Chris Rock

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” – Tracy Smith

“Every year, girls are like, ‘This is the year I get diamonds!’” And guys are like, ‘This is the year I get a blowjob!’ Everybody’s disappointed.” – Aisha Tyler

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.” – Oscar Wilde

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