Is it a Joke or a Red Flag? How to know when to take their words seriously

Nobody’s perfect—not you, not your partner, and certainly not your crush. In every relationship, you’re bound to encounter behaviours that make you pause and wonder, "Is this something I can live with, or is it a sign to walk away?” The challenge lies in distinguishing harmless quirks from serious red flags.

Let’s explore how to tell the difference and focus on what truly matters in a relationship.

What’s a Quirk?

Quirks are the little oddities that make us unique—like talking to pets in a baby voice, putting ketchup on everything, or being overly enthusiastic about organising sock drawers. They might occasionally make you roll your eyes, but they’re not harmful. In fact, quirks often become the things we grow to love about someone.

What’s a Red Flag?

A red flag, on the other hand, points to something deeper—behaviours that could lead to harm, unhealthy dynamics, or emotional strain. These go beyond minor annoyances and act as warning signs that the relationship may not be right. Think of them as relational potholes: ignore them, and you risk a bumpy, even damaging, journey ahead.

Here’s a guide to help you decide whether to embrace their quirks or draw a line:

1. Does it make you feel unsafe or disrespected?

If a behaviour crosses a boundary or leaves you feeling uncomfortable, it’s likely a red flag. For example:

- Red Flag: They get excessively jealous when you spend time with friends or family, leaving you feeling isolated.

- Quirk: They playfully tease you for always ordering the same thing at a restaurant.

Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is.

2. Are they willing to acknowledge and adjust?

A healthy relationship involves growth and compromise.

- Red Flag: They dismiss your concerns or refuse to take responsibility for hurtful actions.

- Quirk: They laugh at their habit of being five minutes late but try harder when it really matters.

If they care about your feelings, they’ll demonstrate it through their actions, not just their words.

3. Is it a clash of core values?

Sometimes, a quirk can hint at a deeper incompatibility.

- Red Flag: You’re passionate about animal welfare, but they have no patience for your pets and make disparaging remarks about them.

- Quirk: They’ve never had pets before and are hilariously awkward around your dog but are open to learning.

Core values like respect, honesty, and shared goals carry far more weight than minor differences in habits.

4. Does it affect your self-esteem?

Healthy relationships build you up, not tear you down.

- Red Flag: They constantly criticise your appearance, habits, or intelligence, leaving you feeling inadequate.

- Quirk: They jokingly call you out for never finishing a Netflix series (but happily re-watch your favourite episodes with you).

When Quirks Become Red Flags

Watch out for behaviours that undermine your confidence—they’re not quirks; they’re toxic.

Sometimes, quirks can develop into red flags over time. For example:

- Harmless Quirk: They love a good debate and enjoy spirited conversations.

- Emerging Red Flag: Every discussion turns into an argument, and they insist on “winning,” leaving you emotionally exhausted.

Pay attention to patterns. If something small becomes a recurring issue, it’s worth reassessing.

Knowing Your Dealbreakers

Ultimately, whether it’s a red flag or a quirk depends on your personal boundaries. What’s tolerable for one person might be unacceptable for another. Here’s how to define yours:

- Write down your non-negotiables. What values or behaviours are absolute must-haves?

- Speak to trusted friends or family. They can provide perspective and help you see things clearly.

- Check in with yourself. Are you genuinely happy, or are you making excuses for bad behaviour?

No relationship is without its challenges, but learning to distinguish red flags from harmless quirks can save you a great deal of heartache. Embrace the quirks that make your partner unique, but don’t ignore the red flags that could lead to long-term unhappiness.

At the end of the day, it’s all about balance. You deserve someone who celebrates your quirks and respects your boundaries—just as you should theirs. While love often involves compromise, your peace of mind should never be part of the bargain.