Why it's OK to not have a love language

You surely must have heard about love languages and what they mean. The concept of love languages was popularized by Dr. Chapman, who, through 30 years of experience, arrives at the conclusion that relationships would be easier if couples could understand each other's favourite ways to feel and receive love.

Having written about love languages over and over again, I know almost all there is to know about them. I have written about what to do and how to be a good partner, no matter what your partner’s love language is. I have even argued for the inclusion of food in the list of love languages people speak and understand, because, really, why not?

People rate the consumption of food so highly when considering how love is expressed and perceived, so it just makes sense for it to be raised into the same category as physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service.

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It was in the course of writing about these things that I first discovered that I do not have one love language, and that I do not identify with any of these things in the context popularized by Dr. Chapman.

I mean, I know all about about the importance of knowing what your partner’s love language, so as to increase your chances of pleasing them and making them happy in the best possible way. I am down for doing that for my partner. But if tables were turned and I was asked about mine, I wouldn’t know what to say – because I really feel it would be a lie.

Here is another dimension to this love language thing: having a love language does not mean you won’t appreciate other forms of love expressions. As a matter of fact, you can often be a combination of more than one love language but there’s just usually one prominent one; and that is the group you are said to belong to.

Happy woman on a date [Credit everyday feminism] Happy woman on a date [Credit everyday feminism]; You can be single and balling [Credit Youtube]; Pulse Nigeria

It was important to give the information above as mine is not an issue of feeling all others but feeling one particular love expression in a heightened sense. It is more like feeling all of them in equal measure.

I’ve had to do a reflection on my relationships at different times in the past, and there is no denying that I am just as pleased with getting gifts as I am with having words of affirmation from my partner.

ALSO READ: What you need to know about loving your partner satisfactorily

The same excitement I’d get from physical touch is the same reaction I’d give to spending quality time with the love of my life. Nothing excites me more than the other, none of them is underwhelming and none of them makes me feel closer to my boo than the other. The excitement I’d express at getting gifts is no lesser than what I’d show for having my partner serve me.

If details of your relationship is being kept on a really low key, that's fine. [Credit Pinterest] Pulse Nigeria

That much I know about myself and I think that’s just fine. I do not know if anybody else feels this way but for sure, there can’t be anything wrong with this. Apart from the obvious explanation of people being made in different forms and different ways and being allowed to flourish in their differences rather than forcefully contorting them into preconceived forms and caging them in social constructs, there is also the issue is about feeling the love given and appropriately appreciating it.

Not identifying with any love language has not stopped me from recognizing that my partners’ has to be respected and honoured in my relationship with her, and her ways of expressing love have been met with nothing but true appreciation and genuine warmth.

First love, best love? [Credit - Akron] First love, best love? [Credit - Akron] Akron

In a way, not being head-over-heels about any of the well-established love languages [food included as number six] allows for a free form to the effort of my partner and allows my soul get hit by pleasure in equal measure when my partner expresses love.

My mind soaks in pleasure at receiving physical touch with the same intensity it receive all other love languages, and really, what there's to worry about in that?

It's not bullshit to appreciate one of these things more than the other; and it is just as OK if, like me, you feel them and appreciate them in equal measure