I’ve tried so hard to look masculine, but I still don’t fit in. What should I do?

I was a very good student until JHS2. I was the kind of student teachers could count on to do well, but somewhere along the line, things changed.

People had started making comments about the way I behaved. They said I was becoming effeminate, and those comments got into my head. I began to think that if I wanted people to accept me as a boy, I had to change myself.

So I joined a gang.

I thought being around those boys would teach me how to behave like a man. I started sagging my trousers, chasing girls, trying to look like a tough guy and even forcing my voice to sound deeper.

I was basically acting like someone I wasn't.

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The more I tried to fit in, the more my academics suffered. My teachers noticed the change. Even some of the girls around me noticed that my character had changed.

I managed to pass my BECE, although I had help along the way, and I got my first choice at one of the best all-boys schools in Kumasi.

I thought secondary school would be a fresh start. It wasn't.

I struggled academically and continued to struggle with myself. I was still trying to figure out who I was and how I was supposed to behave.

Growing up, I had also been very isolated. My mother was strict, so I spent a lot of time indoors. I didn't have many friends when I was younger, and I think that affected me more than I realised.

When I finally got to boarding school and started making friends, I became very attached to them.

Maybe it was because I had missed that part of childhood.

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Today, I can sacrifice a lot just to keep my friends close. I enjoy our group chats, phone calls and the feeling of knowing that there are people I can talk to.

Sometimes I feel like these friendships are helping me heal parts of my childhood that I missed.

But I also know I may be taking it too far.

After secondary school, I wanted to rewrite my WASSCE, but financial problems have made that difficult. I have been working for more than two years now.

My parents expect me to save the money I make so I can eventually return to school. But honestly, I have spent a lot of that money on my friends.

I don't regret helping people I care about, but sometimes I ask myself whether I am being irresponsible.

I also believe that if my parents cannot afford to pay for my education, they should be honest with me instead of constantly telling me to prepare for school when they know they may not be able to support me.

At the same time, I know I have a responsibility to manage my own money better.

Then there is the question I have struggled with for years.

People have called me effeminate because of my voice, my movements and the way I behave. I have tried very hard to change these things. I have tried to sound more masculine, behave differently and present myself in a way that people will accept.

But I still don't feel like I fit the idea of what a man is supposed to be.

What makes it more difficult is that some people immediately assume that being effeminate means someone is queer. I don't think the two should automatically be treated as the same thing.

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I have spent so much time trying to prove that I am masculine enough for people.

Now I am tired.

Was I wrong to change myself just to fit in? Should I stop trying to behave the way people expect me to and simply accept myself?

And when it comes to my friends and money, am I also taking friendship too seriously at the expense of my own future?

I have been trying to figure out my identity, my education, my finances and the kind of person I want to become.

I honestly don't know if I am making the right choices.

What would you do if you were in my position?

—Anonymous