Here's the Full Version of That Joke From 'Watchmen' Episode 3

The third episode of HBOs Watchmen opens in a phone boothof sorts. A woman, Laurie Blake, speaks into a phone connected to Mars and, as we hear an automated voice say, Doctor Manhattan . She leaves him a messagea joke.

Lets start again. Who is Laurie Blake? Though only recently introduced, Blake, also known as Laurie Juspeczyk, (superhero name Silk Spectre) is a former masked superhero found in the Watchmen graphic novel . She is the daughter of Sally Jupiter, another hero, and (spoiler!) The Comedian, an amoral killing machine who raped Jupiter, conceiving Laurie. The fact that Lauries HBO character is introduced telling a joke, and that she now goes by The Comedians last name, Blake are both very interesting change-ups from the source material.

Now, back to the joke. While it may be cosmically unfunny, it serves necessary character exposition, reintroducing three important figures from the comics: Adrian Veidt , Doctor Manhattan, and Nite Owl. In the joke, Laurie describes these three heroes brought before God who passes judgement on each one. Each has a gift. Nite Owls is ingenuity. Veidts is intelligence. And Manhattans is matter-bending and semi-omniscience. As none of the characters used these gifts successfully, they are sent to hell.

Where are the actual heroes? In the episode, one was revealed to be loafing before our very eyes: the castle-trapped man, played by Jeremy Irons. Midway through the episode, the character signs a letter Adrian Veidt, revealing that he is in fact Smarty Pants, the man who killed millions. The Owl hasnt yet been revealed. But we know from the comic that the character, Daniel Dreiberg, is a former love interest of Laurie. (As is Doctor Manhattan.) As for Doctor Manhattan. Well, the Blue God is on Mars. And, just like in the joke, he has accomplished the feat of no longer giving a shit about humanity. When it comes to Laurie. thought? It seems like she might just give a shit.

The complete text of Laurie's phone booth joke can be found below:

Theres this guy. Hes a bricklayer. And hes really good at it. Hes a real master of his craft, because hes precise. Every brick has its place. Anyway, this guy has a daughter. Hes gonna teach her to be a bricklayer, because, after all, all a man has is his legacy. So dad decides to build a barbecue in the backyard. He does the math. He figures out exactly what he needs. And he shows the daughter everything, step by step. And when he finishes, its a beauty. Its a perfect barbecue just the way he drew it in the blueprints. Only one problem: theres a brick leftover. One single brick. The guy freaks out. He must have done something wrong. Hes gonna have to start all over again. So he picks up his sledge hammer to knock the thing to pieces. And suddenly his daughter says, Daddy, wait. I have an idea. She picks up the orphan brick, and she throws it up into the air as high as she can. And . And And then, shit. I messed it up.

Okay forgot that joke. Can I tell you another one?

Three heroes die and they all show up at the pearly gates. Gods there to decide what their eternal fates are going to be heaven or hell. Our first hero is dressed up like a big owl. And God says, I gifted you the ability to make fantastic inventions. And what did you do with this amazing talent? And the Owl Guy says, I made this really awesome flying ship, and lots of cool outfits and weapons, so that I could bring peace to the city. God asks, So how many people did you kill? Owl guy seems offend. Zero, he says. I didnt take a single life. God frowns. Sorry, Owl Guy. Your hearts in the right place. Youre just too soft. And God snaps his fingers. And the hero goes to hell.

The pearly gates await our next hero in line for almighty judgement. Our hero number two is confident he can game this out, because thats his God-given talent smarts. Some might even say he was the smartest man in the world. So what did you do that big brain I gave you? asks God. As a matter of fact I saved humanity, says Smarty Pants. Well howd you do that? asks God. Well I dropped a giant alien squid on New York. And everyone was so afraid of it, they stopped being afraid of each other. Okay, says God. How many people did you kill? Smarty pants smiles. Three million, give or take. But you cant make an omelet without making a couple eggs. Christ, God says. Youre a fucking monster. Am not, says Smarty Pants. God snaps his fingers. And the hero goes to hell.

Were down to the nitty-gritty now. One hero left. God cracks his knuckles, ready to administer the final reckoning. Now, hero number three is pretty much a god himself. So for the sake of telling them apart: hes blue and he likes to stroll around with his dick hanging out; he can teleport; he can see into the future; he can blow shit up hes got actual superpowers. Regular God asks Blue God, What have you done with these gifts? And Blue God says, I fell in love with a woman, I walked across the sun, I fell in love with another woman, I won the Vietnam War. But mostly I just stopped giving a shit about humanity. God sights. Do I even ask how many people youve killed? Blue God shrugs. A live body and dead body have the same number of particles, so it doesnt matter. And it doesnt matter how I answer your question, because I know youre sending me to hell. How do you know that, asks God. And Blue God sounds very sad when he softly says, Because Im already there. And so a mere piston in the inevitable machinery of time and space, God does what he did and what he will do: He snaps finger. And the hero goes to hell.

And so its been a long day at the pearly gates. All the heroes have gone to hell. His work done, Gods packing up to go home. And then he notices someone waiting. But its not a hero. Its just a woman. Where did you come from? asks God. Oh, I was standing behind those other guys the whole time. You just didnt see me. Did I give you a talent? God asks. Nope, none to speak of, says the woman. God gives her a good, long look. Im so sorry. Im embarrassed. This almost never happens. But I dont know who you are. And the woman looks at God and she quietly says, Im the little girl who threw the brick in the air. And a sound from above: something falling, the brick. And God looks up, but its too late. He never saw it coming. It hits him so hard, his brains shoot out his nose. Game over. Hes dead. And where does God go when he dies? He goes to hell. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Good joke.